No Offense
As a novelist, once in a while, I worry if I offend my readers. Well, not really. I already know there will be a segment of the population that has a cow because there is a gay character or because an Asian woman dates a white man, or a black man goes to bed with a white woman or vice versa. There's incest, violence, murder in some of my books. I don't do it to get a rise out of people, I do it because that's the way my story comes out. And if you're easily offended, then my guess is you go and buy Christian chick lit, or you buy some other author that you can count on not to offend you, and like the remote control, that's every reader's choice and option.
As a person . . . I used to sort of go out of my way to rebel against people and try to challenge them on their preconceived notions. I used to go gunning for a fight if I met a racist or a guy who had a problem with a strong woman. Now that I have changed a little spiritually, I do that less so. I'm a lot more inner-directed.
But I wonder, as a WOMAN and a WRITER, in those two roles, whether there is is this thing about most women where we are afraid to offend. It's almost like society tells us, be polite, don't offend, don't make waves.
One of my kids, age eight, wants a Chinese zodiac necklace. She just wants one. She also wants a Buddha necklace because I wear two. We have been shopping online, checking out different sites that offer Asian-inspired jewelry. I think it's great she's into exploring other cultures. But as she chose a necklace (year of the OX is her sign--she's less than thrilled she's not a dragon or something "cool"), she said, "If I wear this to Sunday school, do you think I will OFFEND people?" Now, trust me, she didn't get this message from me. So I wondered, is it cultural that we try to raise our GIRLS this way? Because let me tell you, there's murder, WAR, POVERTY, AIDS, UNFAIR TRADE POLICIES, and a zillion other things to get militant about, to protest, to OFFEND us. Not if a girl chooses to wear a necklace. Not if I choose to write a piece of fiction with a gay character. Not that a rapper has curse words in his lyrics.
So . . . I don't know. I think the subtle message to our daughters is DON'T OFFEND. And I hope by what I write that I don't send that message. Be you, I want my daughters to know. And if the rest of the world takes offense? Too bad.
As a person . . . I used to sort of go out of my way to rebel against people and try to challenge them on their preconceived notions. I used to go gunning for a fight if I met a racist or a guy who had a problem with a strong woman. Now that I have changed a little spiritually, I do that less so. I'm a lot more inner-directed.
But I wonder, as a WOMAN and a WRITER, in those two roles, whether there is is this thing about most women where we are afraid to offend. It's almost like society tells us, be polite, don't offend, don't make waves.
One of my kids, age eight, wants a Chinese zodiac necklace. She just wants one. She also wants a Buddha necklace because I wear two. We have been shopping online, checking out different sites that offer Asian-inspired jewelry. I think it's great she's into exploring other cultures. But as she chose a necklace (year of the OX is her sign--she's less than thrilled she's not a dragon or something "cool"), she said, "If I wear this to Sunday school, do you think I will OFFEND people?" Now, trust me, she didn't get this message from me. So I wondered, is it cultural that we try to raise our GIRLS this way? Because let me tell you, there's murder, WAR, POVERTY, AIDS, UNFAIR TRADE POLICIES, and a zillion other things to get militant about, to protest, to OFFEND us. Not if a girl chooses to wear a necklace. Not if I choose to write a piece of fiction with a gay character. Not that a rapper has curse words in his lyrics.
So . . . I don't know. I think the subtle message to our daughters is DON'T OFFEND. And I hope by what I write that I don't send that message. Be you, I want my daughters to know. And if the rest of the world takes offense? Too bad.
posted by Erica Orloff at 11:23 AM
12 Comments:
Your daughter sounds really cool Erica. I'm sure you're very proud of her.
I think that's a very good message to put out there, honestly. I was raised to be a pleaser and short of taking ridilin, there's just no way to please everyone. It's a really hard lesson to unlearn. Tell her to wear her necklace if she wants to. And that oxes aren't bad. Those horns come in handy! :)
Dee
The Snake, lol
Hi Karm:
When you have a few kids . . . and I'm definitely not "done" so who knows how many will one day be added to the brood . . . you really marvel at how different each one is. I have two sons and two daughters. My sons I am raising to respect women. My daughters to be their own persons. Of my four, the "ox" in question is the most like me, but I have to say she is really "something"--just a very bright, inquisitive person.
Hi Dee:
I think some of my thoughts on the subject come from being a writer and the idea of censorship. Like I said, there is SO much to OFFEND me in this world. I can't lose sleep over a tv show or a book when children go to bed each night hungry.
As far as being a pleaser . . . I was a bit, I think, when I was younger. I think it was more trying to make myself invisible to avoid getting in trouble at home . . . always trying to live up to my dad's expectations. But NOW, Lord knows I just am who I am. If you like me, fine. If you don't . . . oh well.
Hey, I'm an Ox and proud of it! It gives me a good excuse for being stubborn. =)
Hey Lori:
I'm a dragon--which my daughter thinks is decidedly cooler since I can breathe fire and all that. But there is a certain regal power to the ox.
E
I'm the Year of the Pig...sigh... Or boar, which is way cooler since they have sharp hooks on their snouts. I prefer to think of it as the Year of Miss Piggy. Talk about Bombshells. Hee!
Hello all! I am a sheep. My teen daughter is a sheep...although we aren't elitist about it, and we like the rest of the animals too, hahaha. I don't think worry over offending people is JUST a female thing, although I do agree it is a LARGER female thing. My teen son is aware of being offensive, but unless it is absolutely hurtful, he will let things slide or roll with it (specifically name calling, teens love to give other teens titles that aren't always politically correct, lol) but I don't think he loses sleep over it, where my daughter will toss and turn over whether or not she hurt someone's feelings.
Maybe we're genetically wired to care what people think so that we don't have an entire population each doing thier own thing.
Ahhh, chaos!
Hi Traci:
Interesting, but I would think that's a function of his upbringing. I also have a very nice son who would hate to be hurtful. And I really, though a feminist, don't go in for the "all men are pr*cks" and the whole vicious battle of the sexes. But I AM aware of how we do raise women to be more pleasing. And the media perpetuates things like that in subtle and not subtle ways. Example: Do you have ANY idea what kind of tie or suit ANY of the Enron guys wore to any of their pre-trial hearings? Doubt you do, but trust me, they spent big bucks on anything and everything they wore. BIG dollars. BUT . . . you don't know because the media didn't tell you. However, when Martha Stewart was on trial, the press would TELL you every day WHAT she wore, what color it was, what accents she wore, and how much her purse cost. Women in business who behave in a hardball fashion are called the b-word. Jack Welch of GE is called "visionary." The message is there. Girls should be "nicer" somehow.
As a Buddhist, I'm all for niceness and compassion. I live my life trying to be a compassionate example. BUT, if within my quest to be an actualized person, I offend with my writing or I challenge someone's beliefs, I am aware that I have to separate feeling badly for legitimate reasons (i.e., I could have been more compassionate) vs. illegitimate reasons (i.e., a societal expectation that I simply don't make waves).
E
Karm:
Miss Piggy is a Bombshell! Love her!
E
Legitimate reasons versus illegitimate reasons - that makes a lot of sense. How to teach it on a global level?
Writing! Parenting. Leading by example. By making others aware that being 'pleasing', especially while denying your true self, isn't necessary. Or Expected.
I am STILL fighting that tendency! But because strong women are aware of it, and because we are raising strong daughters, and sons, who know, things will change.
Sloooowlyyyyy,
lol,
Traci
Traci:
If my children's school is any judge--a microcosm of women and moms, it's changing at a snail's pace. Most women are doing the volunteering (being the "class mom" and so on--my husband is an anomoly for doing his share), and meanwhile, in this myth of you can have it all, they resent how overworked they are PLUS they have all this extra cr*p. Women really need to learn one little word.
NO.
:-)
E
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