Gold Stars
When I was a kid, and I turned in my homework, there was a pecking order of excellence. A checkmark was "good." A check-plus--a checkmark with a plus sign next to it was REALLY good. And a gold star sticker was "excellent." I got--and coveted--a lot of gold stars. Shiny gold stars!
As I moved along . . . I coveted the A+. As I moved even further along, I skipped a grade or two. Then I got an academic scholarship to a university. There, those A-pluses meant something--they all contributed to a 4.0. Suddenly, that number four was something to lust after.
The thing is, along the way, I don't know that I really cared as I racked up stars and 4.0s and so on. My DAD cared, and he had raised me to value education in America, so if he cared, that was good enough for me. And I knew it made my parents proud. And so, I guess, that made me happy.
As time went along, and I got into writing novels, my parents were along for the ride. Now that I got my Warner Brothers TV deal, you can bet there is a whole contigency of people in my father's "old neighborhood" in NYC that know I got the deal, too.
But yesterday, I heard from my agent that the proposal I turned in three weeks or so ago for the first book of my GEMINI CONSPIRACY trilogy got the "okay" from my editor. When you sign a three-book deal, you get a big portion of your money up front as signing money. Then the rest of the advance is parceled out. You get x amount when you turn in the complete proposal (three chapters) of book 1, then x amount when you finish book 1, then x amount when you turn in the proposal for book 2, and so on. And then you wait. You wait for "approval."
At any point, when you turn in a proposal or turn in the completed manuscript, you can get a thumbs-down. Meaning that your deal isn't canceled, but you will have to tweak the book some more to get the next bit of money, to go on through your contract. One publisher I work with is really great about pretty much saying, "It's a go . . . but when you fine-tune your draft, make sure you do this or that." An example might be, "Make sure that it's clear in chapter four that the hero MIGHT be the bad guy so we have some tension there." Another publisher I work with, though very nice, likes to be sure that EVERY i is dotted and EVERY t is crossed before they sign their check. Just two different ways of working. Obviously, I like the first way better. :-)
But, and this got me thinking . . . when my agent called and said the editor "really loved it," and it was "very strong," I was elated. NOT because there is money involved. But because there is still this quiet part of me that is the little girl who coveted gold stars.
So many of us would write whether we were published or not, but I seriously got to wondering if a lot of us have that desire for approval. Seems odd, because so many writers I know are loners. I am as far from the "cheerleader/popular girl" as you could possibly be. Is it accomplishment? Approval? Being pleased that something I actually WROTE is considered good? What is it?
If you are unpubbed and have a CP or a writers' group and the group gives you a pat on the back . . . it feels great. Is it because we work in isolation and this is the only sign that what we have written isn't pure dreck?
Please share!
Peace,
E
P.S. Day Two, no coffee. Yesterday, from 3:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m., I pretty much wanted to shoot myself. Or hit myself in the head with a hammer. But I woke up remarkably clear-eyed today. Must be those herbs the acupuncturist is giving me. Or I am delusional. Could be that. :-)
As I moved along . . . I coveted the A+. As I moved even further along, I skipped a grade or two. Then I got an academic scholarship to a university. There, those A-pluses meant something--they all contributed to a 4.0. Suddenly, that number four was something to lust after.
The thing is, along the way, I don't know that I really cared as I racked up stars and 4.0s and so on. My DAD cared, and he had raised me to value education in America, so if he cared, that was good enough for me. And I knew it made my parents proud. And so, I guess, that made me happy.
As time went along, and I got into writing novels, my parents were along for the ride. Now that I got my Warner Brothers TV deal, you can bet there is a whole contigency of people in my father's "old neighborhood" in NYC that know I got the deal, too.
But yesterday, I heard from my agent that the proposal I turned in three weeks or so ago for the first book of my GEMINI CONSPIRACY trilogy got the "okay" from my editor. When you sign a three-book deal, you get a big portion of your money up front as signing money. Then the rest of the advance is parceled out. You get x amount when you turn in the complete proposal (three chapters) of book 1, then x amount when you finish book 1, then x amount when you turn in the proposal for book 2, and so on. And then you wait. You wait for "approval."
At any point, when you turn in a proposal or turn in the completed manuscript, you can get a thumbs-down. Meaning that your deal isn't canceled, but you will have to tweak the book some more to get the next bit of money, to go on through your contract. One publisher I work with is really great about pretty much saying, "It's a go . . . but when you fine-tune your draft, make sure you do this or that." An example might be, "Make sure that it's clear in chapter four that the hero MIGHT be the bad guy so we have some tension there." Another publisher I work with, though very nice, likes to be sure that EVERY i is dotted and EVERY t is crossed before they sign their check. Just two different ways of working. Obviously, I like the first way better. :-)
But, and this got me thinking . . . when my agent called and said the editor "really loved it," and it was "very strong," I was elated. NOT because there is money involved. But because there is still this quiet part of me that is the little girl who coveted gold stars.
So many of us would write whether we were published or not, but I seriously got to wondering if a lot of us have that desire for approval. Seems odd, because so many writers I know are loners. I am as far from the "cheerleader/popular girl" as you could possibly be. Is it accomplishment? Approval? Being pleased that something I actually WROTE is considered good? What is it?
If you are unpubbed and have a CP or a writers' group and the group gives you a pat on the back . . . it feels great. Is it because we work in isolation and this is the only sign that what we have written isn't pure dreck?
Please share!
Peace,
E
P.S. Day Two, no coffee. Yesterday, from 3:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m., I pretty much wanted to shoot myself. Or hit myself in the head with a hammer. But I woke up remarkably clear-eyed today. Must be those herbs the acupuncturist is giving me. Or I am delusional. Could be that. :-)
posted by Erica Orloff at 6:40 AM
20 Comments:
I tend to give my family not much more than a grain of salt, but they don't read my work. My CP's and other writers etc, I give a lot more weight to. I think you're right about the isolation, etc and needing that pat on the back. I think many of us can acknowledge that we're good at what we do but that doesn't negate our need for positive reinforcement! Maybe because being good doesn't necessarily equate with success.
Hi Amie:
My family doesn't read my stuff beforehand. But I know they are all very excited. When I got in US Weekly and Cosmo, you can bet my dad was down at the drugstore buying up many copies. :-)
And you're right. Being good doesn't necessarily equate with success. I can think of many writers who haven't yet gotten agents or a deal, and I can think of many authors out there who have yet to be discovered by the masses.
E
I officially don't let anybody but my CPs crit my work. Occasionally, when I need a quick eye, I let a pal look but frankly, even though they are readers, they aren't very helpful.
Well, I did talk to my therapist about Not really wanting the As but going after them anyway. No conclusion, beyond the fact that I actually do realise that it's really just a piece of paper.
Is it affirmation or acknowledgement we're looking for? Acceptance or Validation?
Not sure, but those "Atta-girl's", sure are welcome.
When I receive my edited manuscript in the mail, the first thing I look for are the smiley faces my editor puts in the places she really enjoyed. It's not so much that she liked it; it's more that I reached out and made her laugh or cry or go, "oh my GOD!" I got a reaction! Even though I work in relative isolation - the Little Dude is going through a serious mommy fixation at the moment - I want to know that I'm connecting with someone, anyone through my work.
Ditto what Mary said...the connecting with someone-anyone part, not the editor part. Don't have one of those. Yet. (got your book in the mail just this morning, Mary! Can't wait to dive in)
But yes, even if it is just a sister or friend, it is good to know someone 'gets' what you're trying to say. Validation. Positive reinforcement. Pat's on the head. All great to get.
Erica. Day two! WTG!!!
I think that everyone wants the external validation. Some work for it more than others, but I think everyone needs it someplace in their lives.
Maybe that's why we post to these blogs? Validation or respect from our peers and comrades? Maybe it's just to see our words in print.
At some point I'll get back into my WIP and do the edits I need to do, and then I can hand it off to... well, maybe by then I'll have found some readers for feedback.
May:
Paper . . . It's only paper . . . I know, a good reminder.
E
Kathy:
I'm not sure what it is either. I'm definitely an overachiever, Type A.
E
Mary:
I look for those, too. At the end of Do They Wear High Heels in Heven, my editor drew a face with tears coming down. I love when I write a one-liner and she writes "Ha!" in the margin. Love it. I think it is that connection. She gets me!
E
Lainey:
Thanks on the day 2 congrats. It is not easy!!!!
E
Ewoh:
I totally know whay I blog. Goofy as it sounds, I was one of those kids who loved getting mail. And even when snail mail went out of fashion, when people stopped writing letters, I always wrote handwritten notes to people . . . I love mail. I love getting cards. Then email happened . . . LOVED getting email. The blog is kind of like the same thing. Like have a bunch of pen pals. :-)
E
I used to play drums in nightclubs, and I always loved it when there were other musicians in the audience and they would come up to me between sets to let me know they enjoyed my playing.
It's the same with writing.
Compliments from fans are great, but there's something special about hearing it from a peer, from someone who knows the business and the process in ways fans will never know. I dig those gold stars the most.
Congrats on the proposal and on day two, Erica!
You have totally hit the nail on the head. It's all about approval - and if you're an eldest child (like I am) that's what it's all about - however hard you try and fight against it.
The problem is, well for me, however much I achieve (and I suspect my brothers see me as a bit of an over achiever) it doesn't seem enough - and once something is achieved, in my head it loses value...
WTG on the coffee!!!! That's got to be worth a few gold stars.
I think it's a lot of things.
Yes, definitely on the validation and connection. I know there are some extremely successful people in this industry who say external validation is meaningless and we have to self-validate. But come on, what other profession says that? Lawyers don't appreciate being praised by their peers when they win a case? Accountants don't thrill to a client being excited at how much they're getting back from the IRS?
Even the most mundane professions contain rewards and recognition. It's not about filling the out basket for them, so why should it be for us?
Also, I think achievement is a big thing in our culture. Setting a goal and working hard to reach it, and then doing so, is highly regarded. So getting A's and being proud of them is important. Being recognized for being good at what we do is valuable.
I just had my latest WIP critiqued, and all my CPs hit the same areas with reactions and responses--the areas I'd considered to have the biggest impact. It's one thing to know in my head I nailed it. Quite another to have it proved to me.
I love how I feel when I watch a good movie or TV show or read a great book, and I want to make others feel that way. It's awesome when I do.
I love your posts, Erica. They make you think, spin things around. I'm unagented, unpubbed as of this second. hehe. Until you "make" it, there's always the "boogieman" letting you know you MIGHT not be good enough. That said, validation means something. Writing to me is working with the invisible, the soul-part of us. I love your line about when someone finally "gets us." Nailed it with that one. So, until I make the connection, I'll just keep writing, and see what happens. I will tell you, I'd much rather work with someone who says fix it, than looks over my shoulder to see how I go about doing it I think. LOL. I like working alone, so too much attention would get old. OTOH, making sales like crazy would be pretty nice! It's all good. I'm rolling with the flow.
Jude:
When I meet fans at a signing or a conference, it is great--like, "Wow . . this total stranger read my book!" When I receive compliments from writers, it does add something to the mix--my peers . . .
E
Sara:
I am the eldest, too!
E
Natalie:
I've posted before that sometimes, when I hear a great piece of music or read a beautiful poem, or see a masterpiece movie, I get very depressed thinking, "I'll never do anything so beautiful . . . " Art and creativity . . . strange beasts.
E
ladonna:
Yes, the soul part. I spent the evening with my daughter--she is very pragmatic. She asked why I am so sensitive. I told her the reasons are complex, but one of them is though she's only known me as a writer, being a writer is a very odd profession and comes with an entire assortment of feelings about your work and what you do.
E
Post a Comment
<< Home