Paging Dr. Freud
Women, especially, have often been taught to communicate "nicely" lest we be called bitches. So very often, we will go home after an event, an argument, or a conversation, and think, "Damn! I should have said THAT." Whatever "that" is, it is usally funnier, wittier--or, if we are angry--more cutting than what we actually did say.
I do this less so. Mostly because I tend to speak my peace, and mostly because I do so as nicely but truthfully as possible. I don't have a lot of regrets in conversation anymore. I've learned, through being an adult, to say what I mean and mean what I say. I don't have to "white lie." If the PTA calls me and asks me to volunteer, I have no problem saying, "I find those meetings too gossipy for me, and I have a personal rule against gossip. Thank you, but I prefer to volunteer in the classroom." But ask me to volunteer with the children? I'm there, hours and hours.
I think dialogue in books can take a cue from this idea of meaning. Every exchange should be like real life, only funnier, edgier, more truthful, angrier, more poignant, more angst-ridden. Dialogue isn't conversation. It's not the "filler," it's the meat. Your characters should say the things you wish you'd said. They should speak the straight shot of truth, no excuses. If they don't say what they mean, then that should itself speak volumes. Every line of dialogue must be combed over for what is said and what is left unsaid. Mercilessly hone your dialogue.
Which got me thinking? Do you ever find yourself living vicariously through your characters? Do they say the things you long to say to people past and present? Sometimes they may not even be better communicators--"better" is relative. Being an "aggressive" communicator isn't the idea in real life--being an "assertive" communicator is. But perhaps they say the things you wish you could if you didn't have a superego, if all you were was the id.
Dr. Freud, anyone?
I do this less so. Mostly because I tend to speak my peace, and mostly because I do so as nicely but truthfully as possible. I don't have a lot of regrets in conversation anymore. I've learned, through being an adult, to say what I mean and mean what I say. I don't have to "white lie." If the PTA calls me and asks me to volunteer, I have no problem saying, "I find those meetings too gossipy for me, and I have a personal rule against gossip. Thank you, but I prefer to volunteer in the classroom." But ask me to volunteer with the children? I'm there, hours and hours.
I think dialogue in books can take a cue from this idea of meaning. Every exchange should be like real life, only funnier, edgier, more truthful, angrier, more poignant, more angst-ridden. Dialogue isn't conversation. It's not the "filler," it's the meat. Your characters should say the things you wish you'd said. They should speak the straight shot of truth, no excuses. If they don't say what they mean, then that should itself speak volumes. Every line of dialogue must be combed over for what is said and what is left unsaid. Mercilessly hone your dialogue.
Which got me thinking? Do you ever find yourself living vicariously through your characters? Do they say the things you long to say to people past and present? Sometimes they may not even be better communicators--"better" is relative. Being an "aggressive" communicator isn't the idea in real life--being an "assertive" communicator is. But perhaps they say the things you wish you could if you didn't have a superego, if all you were was the id.
Dr. Freud, anyone?
posted by Erica Orloff at 7:15 AM
8 Comments:
Whilst going through check-in at the airport a few months ago, I got in trouble with a security guard. "Anything sharp on you?" he asked. "Only my wit," I replied.
I thought it was funny. He gave me a lecture about the dangers of international air travel. What's a girl to do?
I've always believed dialogue to be one of my strengths in my writing; I strive to make sure no words are wasted and that everyone is as witty, charming and informative as necessary. And they definitely get all the lines I want to say, but don't for the sake of avoiding being told off ;)
Erica,
For many, the benefit of being a woman in the 40's, is that we care less about what people think of us and become more outspoken! (There's got to be something to balance out the wrinkles and extra pounds!) We've had 40-some years and the benefit of good friendships to get to this point. I think that is one thing that younger women can learn from us.
I think as a writer, it enables us to write stronger, more assertive characters as well. I have always been a decisive person, but have learned in the past 5-6 years or so to do voice myself diplomatically and assertively.
And I have to laugh about your "PTA" comments, because one of the ways I learned to be a more assertive, diplomatic speaker was thru PTA. I joined and found a group that was clicky and gossipy. Since my parents are both school psychologists, I felt I really needed to be involved. So, I just made it my mission to be the voice of reason and keep the meetings business related instead of a gossip-fest. I went out of my way to recruit women that were not involved in PTA. Now, 11 years later, I've served as president at several schools and at the council level and I'd like to think that I brought about a much better level of communication at the school level and between school admin & parents. I've made a lot of great friends along the way as well.You can change the status quo!
I've had to "censure" myself over the years... I've got a mouth on me that won't quit. Now with two little ones on tow, I generally shut my mouth and move on rather than place myself and my children in a spot that might get ugly (like I said, I have a mouth...)
As a child I never spoke up because I was always afraid of saying something that might offend... might get noticed. I've overcome that fear and gone in the opposite direction.
My characters do have the benefit of allowing me to really let it all out :) That's one of my favorite parts of the writnig process. It can be very cathartic :)
I refuse to be PC. I believe that if you can't take me as I am, then you don't have to.
Which can be an issue in writing because my natural impulse is to be very blunt, but maybe my character needs to prevaricate.
Naomi:
I tend to think that's my strong suit, too. I can picture the conversations perfectly.
E
nina:
Age can be a good thing. :-)
As for the PTA, I really use it as a metaphor for the suburban cliques that are comprised of shallow people/gossips. I actually believe the REAL PTA can do great things for kids. Good for you and all you've done!!!
E
Ewoh:
As a child I never said a thing either. I was timid as a mouse.
E
May:
Hmm . . . I guess I am PC. I am cautious of others' feelings about the PC issues like sexuality and race and religion. BUT . . . will always be honest about what I believe.
E
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