Dealing with Disappointment
Buddhists will tell you that suffering is unavoidable in life. For writers, disappointment and rejection go hand in hand with the joy of the wild ride that is publishing.
You finish a book, land an agent, get a contract, see your book on the shelves . . . any and all of these steps along the path are full of elation. But to write that book is angst and hard work and refusing to listen to the doubters (even if the main doubter is yourself). Landing that agent is rarely based on the first query. Getting a contract . . . very rare that it's the first publisher.
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with disappointment and suffering. My own tip? I consider the disappointment . . . is it HUGE and life-altering? When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease, that was pretty life-altering, especially since I was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs and tubes when I found out. Is is painful but . . . well, smaller than that? Is it a small blip, like a bad review? Whatever it is, I consider it's "weight," and then I assign it a time. In minutes. Or hours if it's really big. I set a timer and I tell myself that for that hour (or whatever time I assign it), I am going to simply accept that I feel badly. That I hurt. That it is disappointing. And then, when the timer goes off, that's it. Because "it is what it is." All the bitterness or self-pity or tears or bargaining with the universe won't change the outcome. So when the timer goes off, it's over. Move on. Done.
What about you? How do you deal with the disappointments inherent in this biz? Any tips for girding oneself against rejection?
You finish a book, land an agent, get a contract, see your book on the shelves . . . any and all of these steps along the path are full of elation. But to write that book is angst and hard work and refusing to listen to the doubters (even if the main doubter is yourself). Landing that agent is rarely based on the first query. Getting a contract . . . very rare that it's the first publisher.
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with disappointment and suffering. My own tip? I consider the disappointment . . . is it HUGE and life-altering? When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease, that was pretty life-altering, especially since I was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs and tubes when I found out. Is is painful but . . . well, smaller than that? Is it a small blip, like a bad review? Whatever it is, I consider it's "weight," and then I assign it a time. In minutes. Or hours if it's really big. I set a timer and I tell myself that for that hour (or whatever time I assign it), I am going to simply accept that I feel badly. That I hurt. That it is disappointing. And then, when the timer goes off, that's it. Because "it is what it is." All the bitterness or self-pity or tears or bargaining with the universe won't change the outcome. So when the timer goes off, it's over. Move on. Done.
What about you? How do you deal with the disappointments inherent in this biz? Any tips for girding oneself against rejection?
posted by Erica Orloff at 12:11 PM
10 Comments:
I love your timer technique, Erica. I think I'll try that sometime.
I think it's important for writers to not take rejection personally. Publishing is a business, and the competition is fierce. Maybe you've written something really good, but if an agent doesn't know right away where or how to sell it, they're going to turn it down. Or, maybe you've written something that sucks, and you need to work on craft more. In any case, you have to develop a thick skin in this business and keep trying if you want to succeed. If you have a little bit of talent, and a great deal of persistence, you can ultimately find that one editor or agent who says yes. All it takes is one, and you're on your way.
And, if you've written something that sucks, it doesn't mean YOU suck. You learn from your mistakes and do better next time.
Jude:
That's a great attitude. My agent sold my first novel in a matter of a couple of months--maybe the fifth publisher or so . . . and the rejections were all very nice ("character too bitchy, but a funny book" kind of thing). But since then, of course, like anyone, I've had disappointments and things that sucked about this biz--along with things that I love about it. What amazes me . . . and I love their stories . . . are people who went through some tough rejections on the way to making it. You have to totally admire that . . . and I think your attitude is one that people like that use.
E
So far, my only disappointments are with myself for not writing when I can/should, not editing well, or at all, etc.
I have yet to even write a query letter or send one out. No short stories sent out. Nothing. I'm avoiding the whole thing :)
When I finish one of the stories I am working on, and I can get ti edited enough to not suck, then I'll try disappointment carousel and see how it goes.
But for the time being, I just have to get over my self-inflicted wounds and keep writing.
Having only recently dipped a toe in the publishing pool, not sure I'm qualified to comment, but FWIW, my OCD nature (feel free to read anal) doesn't allow for times. I dive directly in to a personal critique of what I've done wrong or what could have been stronger. When I've established that, I research other paths.
In all fairness, I must confess I've been very fortunate. 5 contest entries= 2 wins and a placement. 2 queries=2...declines?
1, a definite misfire. My fault. 2 stung, but generously offered workable suggestions/solutions.
As much as I'm pragmatic enough to believe we make our own luck, I also am flakey enough to believe in fate-- that whole right time-right place thingy. So, in my mind, my recent 'disappointment' was meant to be. I wasn't ready...the stars just weren't aligned.
I too have enmeshed myself in the struggles of others. The 500+ rejections, the book that sold only to have a line cancel. Ouch! Not sure how I'd respond to this post if I'd had to contend with that.
Possibly from a heavily padded...and cordless keyboard. :)! ;P
The only time I got really disappointed with this industry. Was a couple years. When I had an agent interested in my book she wanted me to get it edited. I did. Then she turned it down.
Ewoh:
We need to tie up your inner critic for a while. :-)
E
Lainey:
Being pragmatic is definitely a good attitude. Is so friggin' subjective that to me, at least, it's best to try to accept that so much of the disappointments in the biz are not personal.
E
la:
That is definitely a tough break. And this business can turn on a dime. An agent can be hot for a book but then in six months watch whatever was once hot become ice cold. Keeping clear-headed about it all is tough.
E
Cool post, Erica, and very timely. I have a bunch of friends, all pubbed, who have just received bad news in their writing careers...dropped by agents, option books not picked up, disappointing sales, etc.
I used to think that getting published was the "happy ever after" for us writers. Now that I'm in the enchanted land of published authorhood, getting a book deal seems more like finding the gingerbread house in the forest -- a situation imbued with danger and opportunity both :)
thanks for the post, Erica...it's so difficult, but so crucial, to keep your head in this biz.
Michele
Michele:
So true. Getting published is a huge event and milestone, but it's no guarantee of anything. And that's often shattering if you aren't at least prepared for the possibility.
E
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