Doubt
Doubt can be a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations, a thorn that irritates and hurts.
~Buddha
~Buddha
Doubt. It can plague any kind of relationship--from lovers to friends. But perhaps the worst kind is self-doubt.
I don't believe there is any way to be a writer and not have some kind of self-doubt. You know, deep in your heart, that you want to be a writer, that you are meant to do this. But until you get some kind of "proof" that you are any good, self-doubt can come and poison your own relationship with your work.
Because that's what doubt is, often. Wanting some tangible proof or guarantee. Look at the person most associated with doubt in the minds of many--so much so that it's in his name: "Doubting Thomas." According to the story, until he put his finger into Jesus Christ's nail wounds, he doubted the man in front of him was the resurrected Christ. That is some pretty serious doubt.
Proof. We choose this profession for which there is no exam to take to show whether or not you are any good. No bar exam, no CPA. We don't get a job title, corner office, or company perks. We choose an avocation that is completely subjective.
If you are unpubbed, then the burden is intense sometimes. Rejections pile up. People ask, "Oh . . . writer. So have you had anything published?" And doubt sets in.
If you land an agent, all that means is one bit of "proof"--an agent signed you. But they merely act, in some ways, as a buffer to the rejections. But at least you can say, "Speak to my agent." Sounds cool.
Then you get a deal. More doubt. For me . . . this was actually the only point I was really, really plagued. Could I ever write a second book? Second-book jitters are common.
Then the reviews come in. So a publisher put your book out, but what does everyone else think?
And it goes on from there. But doubt is a poison. If you are going to make it as a writer, that vision and belief in your destiny has to be like magnetic north. You have to point your internal compass at it and just follow the path.
Plagued by doubt? Sure you can hack this crazy biz? Or is your magnetic north true?
posted by Erica Orloff at 6:22 AM
16 Comments:
It amazes me how you and I are often on the same wavelength, Erica. I'm working on a similar blogpost, probably to be up later tonight.
I think self-doubt is common, at all levels of the writing experience. Sometimes when I'm reading one of my favorite authors, I think, "Why bother. I could never write anything this good." Then I'll read something rather poor, and maybe it's even a best seller, and think, "Hmm. I could probably do better than that." So, I think it's sometimes useful to read bad fiction, just to ease the doubts and remind ourselves how NOT to write.
Also, it's great when we get encouragement from people whose opinions we respect along the way, be it from a fellow author/friend/mentor, agent, editor, CP, etc. I think we all need a certain amount of validation in one form or another to keep us on that path to True North.
Jude:
You and me . . . past lives, Buddy.
E
I'm doing NaNo, so I probably shouldn't be here.
But Magical Musings did a post on The Doubt Monster a couple of days ago.
I think self-doubt exists in everybody. It's just amplified in writers.
My self doubt comes and goes.
Self-doubt is my serial killer.
I have been so plagued by this that I haven't written more than a few pages since mid-summer.
I'm starting Nano today and hoping like hell that it kicks my self-doubt out, at least for a little while.
Isn't there some kind of spray or ointment we can apply topically that would make it go away?
Jude, I totally agree with your remark about reading other authors and wanting to just give-up... its the main reason why my reading list keeps growing :)
may:
I agree . . . it's amplified. I don't have doubt about other aspects of my life. I don't worry if I am a good Buddhist or a good mother or a good person, if I really should be dancing at that wedding, if . . . whatever. It's writing and aspects of that life.
E
ewoh:
Yes. When I read Neil Gaiman or Margaret Atwood . . . I just want to fall in a hole. But then I live for those few moments when I write something and know I nail it.
E
Knowing that you 'nailed it' must be like knowing you're in love... I look forward to knowing the 'nailed-it' feeling soon, very soon :)
Ewoh: I went through a slump like that last summer. It'll pass. I think our creative energies move like sine waves, with peaks and valleys, and sometimes we just need to set the manuscript aside long enough to recharge. Miss Snark recommends going to a museum and really taking time to absorb great art. Maybe that'll help. Maybe NaNoWriMo. Whatever works. Good luck.
Thanks Jude. I've found that diving into technical things doesn't help one bit, so maybe looking at some art will get me going.
I started writing my nano story this morning and the junk coming out is complete crap... but at least it is coming out. I'm hoping that this is just a cleaning of the pipes :)
ewoh;
Keep going. It's a HUGE accomplishment to finish a book, and I think if you finish a novel in that time, it may seem like you have overcome a major challenge in your own inner writer self.
Peace,
E
You have an amazing way with words.
(I think I said that last time I visited your blog, but it's true)
Thoughtful post. I don't carry doubt very often, but I'm mired in it at the moment (waiting for THE phone call, you know? And it's not coming.)
Thanks.
Lisa:
I'm a Buddhist. He has many different interpretations, and I usually favor Tibetan . . . but I have one Chinese style "fat" Buddha, so I'll rub his belly you get the call you're waiting for.
:-)
And good for you that doubt doesn't plague you much. I don't get it often, and even then it's usually with some other "red flags" like extreme tiredness.
E
Self-doubt.... don't you just love it. My favourite inner thought is: "I know everyone thinks their work sucks, but mine really does..."
I don't think it ever goes, you've just got to try and recognise it for what it is, and not let it get in the way of your dreams.... wise words from the best self-doubter this side of the Mississippi!!
Sara:
New Zealand is pretty far on that side of the Mississippi. LOL!
E
but I have one Chinese style "fat" Buddha, so I'll rub his belly you get the call you're waiting for.
Thank you! I'll take all the help I can get. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home