Nightmare of Empathy
I used to have nightmares all the time. Now it's an occurence maybe three times a year, but when I have them, they're really, really bad.
You guessed it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. today with a nightmare. It was "so real" I thought it was happening--and it was horrific. I'll spare you the details--but there were two serial killers/rapists, and they were torturers. In my real life, I unfortunately know someone who was a victim of a serial killer, and so sometimes I think, though that was years ago, that when I have a dream like that, it's related to the woman I know.
Which brings me to writing and empathy. Yesterday, I wrote out an online interview related to one of my new releases, and the interviewer asked how I stumbled into being an editor. The short version is I set out to be a journalist but found I both liked making up stuff too much and was too private myself to ask people the hard questions. And that latter trait is directly related to empathy. I can't be an unbiased (as much as it is possible to be so) journalist. I FEEL too much for other people. I am constantly putting myself in their shoes.
Children on the St. Jude commercials? Sobbing.
Mother with missing children? Anxiety.
Victim of a hate crime? Anger.
I think, though this is not a particularly great personal trait--I tend to take on too much of family and friends' and my children's problems internally--it's a GREAT trait for a writer. I can BE my characters. I can feel what they feel. I can go through their emotional roller coaster, cry when they cry and laugh when they laugh.
We all know the subtle differences between empathy and sympathy. But is empathy the writer's trait? Thoughts?
You guessed it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. today with a nightmare. It was "so real" I thought it was happening--and it was horrific. I'll spare you the details--but there were two serial killers/rapists, and they were torturers. In my real life, I unfortunately know someone who was a victim of a serial killer, and so sometimes I think, though that was years ago, that when I have a dream like that, it's related to the woman I know.
Which brings me to writing and empathy. Yesterday, I wrote out an online interview related to one of my new releases, and the interviewer asked how I stumbled into being an editor. The short version is I set out to be a journalist but found I both liked making up stuff too much and was too private myself to ask people the hard questions. And that latter trait is directly related to empathy. I can't be an unbiased (as much as it is possible to be so) journalist. I FEEL too much for other people. I am constantly putting myself in their shoes.
Children on the St. Jude commercials? Sobbing.
Mother with missing children? Anxiety.
Victim of a hate crime? Anger.
I think, though this is not a particularly great personal trait--I tend to take on too much of family and friends' and my children's problems internally--it's a GREAT trait for a writer. I can BE my characters. I can feel what they feel. I can go through their emotional roller coaster, cry when they cry and laugh when they laugh.
We all know the subtle differences between empathy and sympathy. But is empathy the writer's trait? Thoughts?
posted by Erica Orloff at 6:12 AM
10 Comments:
Oh, yes! I get downright depressed when my characters are at their blackest moments. Gosh, I sometimes get so overwhelmed by all that's going on in their lives, that I have to step away just to remember that MY life is just fine, wonderful, even.
Sorry about the nightmare! I hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight!
Hi Spy:
When I finished THE ROOFER, I didn't write a word for two weeks, and I didn't feel my usual self--I was very isolated and down . . . and I couldn't really explain why to anyone without sounding a tad crazy. Well, I AM a tad crazy. But I'm a writer, so that's allowed.
Hi Erica. HAPPY NEW YEAR! (but sorry you had an unhappy night) Ditto, my nightmares are infrequent, but play out in full-scrreen technicolor surround sound.
I think empathy is equal parts blessing and curse. I've participated in many conversations where people lack empathy to the point where they absolutely CAN'T see another's point of view. Because I am gifted with empathy, I can understand much that I don't necessarily agree with. But, you're right it does leave you in a position where you internalize more than you should, and I've had to distance myself from relationships by times because they became too emotionally draining. Same with certain things I write. I usually have a few things on the go at a time, this allows me to hit the lighter stuff when I don't feel up to dealing with the emotional delving required for the darker stuff.
So, yeah, I'd say empathy is most definitely a writer's trait.
lainey:
Great insight--I also write across genres and the lighter stuff does let me take a breather from the heavy. Hadn't really thought about it as a break from all that empathy--but it is.
E
I think sympathy is one of our tools as well. If we've actually felt a particular pain or joy, it ends up that much more real on the page.
But yes, empathy is crucial. Most of us, for example, have never been the victim of a violent crime. Most of us, thank God, haven't experienced the extreme horrors we put our characters through.
We can only imagine.
Jude:
Good point. Because I don't have empathy for the devil. I have sympathy for him. To me, the most convincing villains are ones you can feel a shred of sympathy for. But not empathy.
E
This, to some extent, explains why I write and why I wish I didn't.
I've finished writing scenes and rubbed my eyes only to realise that I've been crying.
Hi May . . .
Happy New Year!
It's a constant thing with me--like conversations going on in my head, movies playing in my mind. No real shutting off that valve.
E
I think empathy or compassion is essential. Unfortunately they don't come with "off" buttons!
When some reporters have asked me if my life is as interesting as my characters', they seem so disappointed that it's not. I do my best not to create drama - although at times it's inevitable - because there is so much drama in my head.
By the way, Erica, your blogs stick with me through the entire day after I read them. Thank you!
Love,
Mary
mary:
What a compliment . . . thank you!
My life isn't terribly dramatic. It is very exuberant--but I don't like a whole lot of drama. I prefer to just "be." Life is what it is.
E
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