You Disappoint Me
The worst thing my parents would ever say to me when I was a kid was "You disappoint me." They didn't say it often, but the couple of times, damn it hurt. I have the greatest mother in the world, and a complicated, complex genius of a father who is amazing. And I never wanted to disappoint either of them--thus straight As and a scholarship to college.
Now that I am older, I realize that people often disappoint me. I think I try so very hard to be a good person (often missing the mark by a mile), and I have such high ideals, such longings for people to do the right thing, that when they are human--'cause hey, ain't we all--I feel hurt. Recently, two people I can think of off the top of my head deeply disappointed and pained me. Let me be clear: It is not THEIR fault. We're all doing the best we can in life. The realist in me sucks it up and moves on. But the lingering pain is often there.
So today I was working on my next Nocturne, and I realize that a big part of the hero is he doesn't disappoint me. Same as the last Nocturne I worked on. In fact, though I write very quirky characters who may not be for everyone, one thing is true: When the chips are down, they do not disappoint. They may be pains in the asses (thinking of Lewis, in the Billie Quinn books), or they may be deeply flawed (thinking of Tom in The Roofer), but they will truly have your back. They will die, if need be, for the heroine, whether she is their lover or their sister (Sovo in Knockout, Tom in The Roofer, Mikey in Billie Quinn).
Which led me to this amazing realization. I think sometimes I write to control the outcome. I want things to work out my way, with characters that I can "fix" and who will not disappoint. I want it ALL--the happy ending, the loyalty, the stand-up person.
I swear to you, this is a completely new revelation to me.
So how about you? Do you ever write to fix things? So you get the ending you want, the friends or lover you want? To get justice in a world in which justice is in short supply? Do you ever write to fix your disappointments? I think this is one of our Couch questions, so grab a seat.
Now that I am older, I realize that people often disappoint me. I think I try so very hard to be a good person (often missing the mark by a mile), and I have such high ideals, such longings for people to do the right thing, that when they are human--'cause hey, ain't we all--I feel hurt. Recently, two people I can think of off the top of my head deeply disappointed and pained me. Let me be clear: It is not THEIR fault. We're all doing the best we can in life. The realist in me sucks it up and moves on. But the lingering pain is often there.
So today I was working on my next Nocturne, and I realize that a big part of the hero is he doesn't disappoint me. Same as the last Nocturne I worked on. In fact, though I write very quirky characters who may not be for everyone, one thing is true: When the chips are down, they do not disappoint. They may be pains in the asses (thinking of Lewis, in the Billie Quinn books), or they may be deeply flawed (thinking of Tom in The Roofer), but they will truly have your back. They will die, if need be, for the heroine, whether she is their lover or their sister (Sovo in Knockout, Tom in The Roofer, Mikey in Billie Quinn).
Which led me to this amazing realization. I think sometimes I write to control the outcome. I want things to work out my way, with characters that I can "fix" and who will not disappoint. I want it ALL--the happy ending, the loyalty, the stand-up person.
I swear to you, this is a completely new revelation to me.
So how about you? Do you ever write to fix things? So you get the ending you want, the friends or lover you want? To get justice in a world in which justice is in short supply? Do you ever write to fix your disappointments? I think this is one of our Couch questions, so grab a seat.
posted by Erica Orloff at 8:06 PM
8 Comments:
You're right, Erica. "You disappoint me" hurts much more than a physical or verbal thrashing. It cuts to the bone.
I think it's important to let that person know s/he has disappointed you, and then begin the healing process. It starts with forgiveness, but it goes deeper than that. You have to decide if you're willing to give that person a second chance. I guess it depends on your level of love and commitment. If someone consistently proves unworthy of your friendship, it's probably best to part ways. If it's a single out-of-character episode...well, maybe things can be worked out.
I believe that true love is unconditional. Unconditional is unconditional. Like the way you love your child, for example. My son has disappointed me on occasion, and I'm sure I've disappointed him. But we'll always love each other, deeply, no matter what.
With a lover or a friend, I guess it depends on the severity of the disappointment--and the frequency--as to whether you decide to continue on or call it a day.
Sometimes, it's healthier for all involved to call it a day.
Other times, forgiveness and a second chance can make that love grow sweeter than you ever thought possible.
I've never thought about addressing this issue in my fiction, but I think it would make for a nice theme.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Hi Jude:
Nothing you say is anything I disagree with in real life. I think it's just in fiction, I realize the one thing I do is make my characters stand-up people. They are deeply flawed but not in that ONE way. For instance, Lewis is difficult, obnoxious, etc. He baits everyone around him. But the one way he is not flawed is having Billie's back. In The Roofer, Tom is the most flawed character I have. But when it came time to confront evil, he had Ava's back and then some. They DO love unconditionally. But then at the crucial moment, they are worthy of it--they don't screw up THE moment. Like I said, real life is totally different. Totally. But I just, as I was writing that character yesterday, realized that I do that--give them all that trait.
E
I think I understand that. Dysfunctional, but larger-than-life-loyal come crunch time. I have to say, I was cheering Tom on at that moment. It was perfect.
*Jude as Dr. Sigmund Freud now. Or, perhaps, Dr. Robert Hartley (Bob Newhart)*:
So how does that make you feel, Erica? :)
Jude:
It is wish fulfillment. In my life, people haven't always been there for me, so I create people who are ALWAYS there for the people they love.
I like that. That's the kind of love we all long for, I think.
"Veelly interesting" *drums steepled fingers together*
Short answers to the questions in your last paragraph: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And finally, yes!
That is the majority of the problem with the earlier things I wrote. Too MarySue-ish. Too sunshine and lollipops all 'round.
I'm slowly but surely learning to be brutal and abusive--in the kindest most positive way possible, of course. :)
lainey:
I can just picture you with those fingers steepled together. LOL!
E
Yikes, this really is a couch question.
I HATE to let people down. It keeps me up at night if I ever do anything to disappoint blah blah.
As for how it's shown in my writing.... I guess I always have a bow on top.... and everything gets sorted.... and the good person will triumph and the not good person will lose out.
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