Editing for Word Choice
If you're not a writer, it might seem as if writers simply spill a sentence out onto their keyboard, hit the period key. Sentence done.Okay, I've stopped laughing. No, wait . . . still chuckling. All right. Now I'm done.
Word choice is such an essential choice of editing. While writers might--and it depends on the writer--simply bang out a sentence, you can bet they will go back and substitute words. Here's a look at how I edit for word choice.
Daddy waltzes in smelling of his sins.
Nope. "Smelling" isn't really what these sins do. And waltz isn't the right feel for this. Edited version?
Daddy breezes in stinking of his sins.
Better.
Moving on . . .
Around the meal I can't eat for the lump in my throat, we bow our heads and speak our grace. Amen.
Nope. CLICHE! Writer prison for me. And "grace" as you'll see, it too obvious a word.
Around the meal I can't eat for the pebble in my throat, we bow our heads and speak our peace. Amen.
And if you haven't guessed, this is from one of my published poems, called Grace. And poetry taught me much of what I've learned about editing word choice. And yes, I still go through all this picky trouble with prose. The good news is I self-edit in my brain, so I don't have to do as much of it as I used to.
As for "lump in my throat," I have had writers argue with me--argue!--as an editor or writing coach, that there's "no other way" to describe certain things. Tough. Find another one anyway.
Thoughts? Your editing process?
Labels: editing, poetry, word choices
posted by Erica Orloff at 7:02 AM
20 Comments:
Tough. Find another one anyway.
Hehehe. I really like that. ;)
Hi Heather:
Glad you liked it. :-)
I get frustrated by cliches sometimes--as "it would be SO easy to just say it this way and then everyone knows what I'm talking about." But you can't. And when I see it creep into my writing--or someone else's--I just go insane. Hmm. Or more insane than I already am.
E
This is one I was playing with earlier this morning (we know from a previous graf the man described is big and tall, probably around six-four).
Version #1: He landed with a dull thump.
Dull is right. And pretty much a cliche. I wanted to show this guy going down hard, and I wanted an image reinforcing his size.
Version #2: His head hit the ceramic tile floor with a slight cracking sound, like a coconut dropped from six feet four inches in the air.
That's better, I think, but it still needs some editing IMO. Anyone want to take a "crack" at it? :)
Hi Jude:
I always edit out "slight" and words that modify the full-on effect of a word. It's either a cracking sound or it's not. If it sounds like a coconut dropped from that high onto ceramic . . . it's a cracking sound. Nothing slight about it.
Also, and it's just me, maybe, but I'd rather be "in" the moment. I don't think--if this is occuring in an act of violence of some sort--that the narrator has time to draw these clever analogies. It removes you from action. So frankly, I'd probably dump it for something more action-oriented. He falls, the protagonist rolls him over and sees blood coming from his nose. Something. Hard to tell when it's out of context.
But as a stand-alone . . . much better than dull thump.
Thanks, Erica! I'll work on it some more.
You're right about that "slight." Definitely needs to go.
And the sentence could be much more economical if I deleted some other unnecessary words:
His head hit the tile with a cracking sound, like a coconut dropped from six feet four inches.
Economy is always one of my goals--to get an image or an idea across in as few words as possible.
I don't think--if this is occuring in an act of violence of some sort--that the narrator has time to draw these clever analogies. It removes you from action.
How true.
Metaphors and similes should be used sparingly; I never thought about it before now, but especially during action scenes.
Thanks!
Great post, Erica! I'm bleeding out sentences, word by word, on my wip.
Here's something from my wip, a grandmother having a water gun fight with her grandson:
Water squirted past her, a sparkle of rainbow colors. A rainbow lodged inside her chest too.
Jude, how about "His head thunked onto (or 'against') the ceramic tile foor ..."?
Shift + F7 is my favorite keystroke, LOL. Helps me remember just the right word! (Or find it, LOL.)
Are we supposed to share sentences? This felt good yesterday, but today I'm wondering if it's confusing and awkward. Internal reader feels off, today.
"As the great dragon heaved its body through the air, I slouched over the handle of the saddle, gripping with all my might. Each flap of the dragon’s wings jerked us, each labored propulsion taking us higher and higher."
edie:
Hi . . . I get such a clear vision of that.
Wearing my editor cap . . . I might alter one of the "rainbows"--only because when I repeat words, my editors usually make me change one of them. They're a tough lot. LOL!
spy:
I think the word "heaved" is spectacular there. I get a sense of its weight and size and movement.
:-)
E
Spy, I think "heaved" is a great word too. :)
Erica, I repeated "rainbows" on purpose to show how happy that moment is (to make more of an impact when that fragile happiness is smashed). But if an editor asked me to change it, I would.
Hi Edie:
I'm sure "rainbows" works twice. I repeat stuff for effect too. That's the trouble when you take a sentence or two out of context. (Which, to be honest, makes me look at reviews with a critical eye. I have read reviews of books I liked very much--and the reviewer took ONE clunky sentence and mocked it . . . when the book as a whole worked wonderfully.)
E
Thanks for "thunked," Edie. I like it, might use it elsewhere.
This is what I've come up with for now:
The knife skittered away. The man didn’t grab his chest or say anything. He crumbled like a demolished building. His head hit the tile with a moist crack, the sound an egg dropped from a window makes.
The grafs before and after are all action, so I don't feel too bad about indulging in a quick simile or two. :)
You guys are really making my head hurt with this thunking and cracking. Ouch! Vivid enough for me! :-) Luckily, we've got rainbows to brighten our day.
Talk about word choice, sheesh. It's okay woulda been good enough for me, but spectacular makes me blush, LOL.
I drafted a new novel this morning. It goes like this:
Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets new girl.
All that's left is the editing.
Stephen:
LOL!
Oohhhh . . . is THAT all? Simple!
E
Jude:
LIKE that.
E
Spy:
Get used to blushing. :-)
E
Thanks. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home