Empty
My oldest daughter is a violinist who plans on studying music in college or at a conservatory next year. Considering I can barely play a few Bach pieces on the piano, and cannot sing in tune, I find this talent pretty astounding. She has perfect pitch. From the time she was 3, she would cover her ears if she heard an off-key note. It's a gift. But I once asked her what it was LIKE having a talent like that.
She said, "You know when you have a good cry, and afterwards, you feel kind of relieved, you feel empty?"
THAT I understood.
"Well, that's how I feel after I am done playing. I feel peaceful. Empty."
Now I got it.
Today, I am working on a book that when I open the file, I feel this tremendous relaxation, like "I'm home." Like when I travel, which I HATE doing, and I go to NYC and I run around like a madwoman meeting editors and my agent and seeing old friends, and then I come home, and I walk through the door, and hear my kids' voices, and put my bag down . . . and I sigh, a peaceful sigh, because I'm "home," and all of the things that means. Then I go to sleep in my OWN bed, and when I get between the flannel sheets, I FINALLY feel myself relax. Well, that's how I feel when I open this file.
And when I am done writing a chapter, I feel empty.
Thoughts? Can you describe what it's like?
She said, "You know when you have a good cry, and afterwards, you feel kind of relieved, you feel empty?"
THAT I understood.
"Well, that's how I feel after I am done playing. I feel peaceful. Empty."
Now I got it.
Today, I am working on a book that when I open the file, I feel this tremendous relaxation, like "I'm home." Like when I travel, which I HATE doing, and I go to NYC and I run around like a madwoman meeting editors and my agent and seeing old friends, and then I come home, and I walk through the door, and hear my kids' voices, and put my bag down . . . and I sigh, a peaceful sigh, because I'm "home," and all of the things that means. Then I go to sleep in my OWN bed, and when I get between the flannel sheets, I FINALLY feel myself relax. Well, that's how I feel when I open this file.
And when I am done writing a chapter, I feel empty.
Thoughts? Can you describe what it's like?
Labels: writing process
posted by Erica Orloff at 9:38 AM
12 Comments:
It's like that movie "Waiting to Exhale." The women were all waiting for the man who would make them have that feeling...that all was right with the world and they could finally relax... and exhale.
Like that. I know exactly what you mean, Erica. With the writing, that is. ;-)
Thanks, Michelle. It's something tangible, to me.
E
Hemingway wrote, "After writing a story I was always empty and both sad and happy, as though I had made love . . ."
stephen:
I have to copy that down . . . really so true.
E
After music, it's like after sex, when you're completely spent. Or sometimes it's exhilarating. Sometimes, though ... have you ever had such a great, er, orgasm, that afterwards you suddenly were hit with a wave of feeling and all you could do was cry? Feel oppressively depressed for no logical reason except maybe a need to balance out the sexual high?
But with writing, the first time I finished a story, I fell asleep with my mind quiet. I used to spend an hour or two every night, as I tried to fall asleep, "living" in my imaginary worlds, ever since I was in first grade. It was SUCH a relief to get a story on the page.
Erica, your daughter sounds not only talented but brilliant!
For me, writing the chapter is both harrowing and satisfying. But when the book is finished, I lay down to go to sleep and for the first time in weeks, my mind is quiet because I know I've finished. I've done my best and now it's time to let go--until I type the words Chapter One again.
Hi Spy:
I definitely relate. For me, though I tend to be a person of happiness, I still have these bursts of emotions like you describe. I FEEL things very fully.
E
Maureen:
I love reading what you wrote. Yes, a bit of quiet until the next one.
E
Erica, thanks to your previous post, I'm facing my fear of failure and fear of completion...Time Management from the Inside Out has been an excellent resource.
For me it's a feeling of completion and expectation, letting go and receiving all rolled into one.
I would love to feel what you all are talking about, but the catharsis is just not there for me. When I'm finished with a chapter/section/book/whatever all I ever feel is that I need to go back and work out things, rewrite them better, add something... Seems to me that my mind gets more 'busy' after the fact.
Maybe I need to learn to let go and back off. Maybe.
Hi Kathy:
Glad the blog helped a little. Hope all is well! :-)
E
Hi Ewoh:
You know . . . maybe . . . you always post here about letting go of right and wrong, and accepting what is . . . not inventing a "bad" for things, and it's such a pervasive part of your philosophy. So maybe it's possible that when you complete something and edit it, you then say "it is"--that the art doesn't need to be fretted over. I don't know . . . just a thought, and only if the way you're doing things now bothers you or keeps you from being at peace about it.
E
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