Outsourcing My Laundry
I was pouring my coffee this morning, which I take very light, and thought of a story that circulated in NYC years ago. It may be B.S., but the rumors making the papers were Calvin Klein was so hard on his assistants that one of them made up a Pantone color guide for the EXACT shade of tan his coffee should be each morning. And woe to the moron who messed it up.
So, staring at my coffee, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great? A perfectly color-matched cup of coffee delivered to my desk each day."
Which reminds me of the American commercial (sorry you guys from overseas) with "Sven" in which he gets everyone in the family up and ready for the day. I need a Sven. An assistant so capable that I don't have to think about those activities of daily living. So that my very next need is anticipated.
So just for fun . . . is there any task right now, as a writer juggling a day job or four kids or whatever . . . that you would just love to have taken care of? What would you outsource?
Me? Laundry. Emptying the dishwasher (which I currently outsource to Oldest Son, so perhaps I would just continue that arrangement). Definitely coffee perfectly matched to the Pantone color chart--just because I CAN. (Evil laugh!)
I would outsource all chauffeuring of my children. HATE errands. I'd love to have my hairdresser blow out my hair a couple of mornings a week. Filing. Can't seem to manage that. In fact, someone to run my office . . . would love it.
So tell me, writers, what would you outsource? Get creative. Like . . . I would love someone to be Demon Baby's Bodyguard. You know how rock stars have "sobriety companions" to keep them out of trouble? Well, Demon doesn't have a crack pipe problem, but he could definitely use someone to keep him from all sorts of trouble. Like yesterday, I came home and was greeted (swear) with "Demon Baby let your bird out of the cage and painted him."
"Painted him? With what?"
"Watercolor paints. Just the beak."
Oh, yes. A Demon Baby Bodyguard.
Anyone else?
So, staring at my coffee, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great? A perfectly color-matched cup of coffee delivered to my desk each day."
Which reminds me of the American commercial (sorry you guys from overseas) with "Sven" in which he gets everyone in the family up and ready for the day. I need a Sven. An assistant so capable that I don't have to think about those activities of daily living. So that my very next need is anticipated.
So just for fun . . . is there any task right now, as a writer juggling a day job or four kids or whatever . . . that you would just love to have taken care of? What would you outsource?
Me? Laundry. Emptying the dishwasher (which I currently outsource to Oldest Son, so perhaps I would just continue that arrangement). Definitely coffee perfectly matched to the Pantone color chart--just because I CAN. (Evil laugh!)
I would outsource all chauffeuring of my children. HATE errands. I'd love to have my hairdresser blow out my hair a couple of mornings a week. Filing. Can't seem to manage that. In fact, someone to run my office . . . would love it.
So tell me, writers, what would you outsource? Get creative. Like . . . I would love someone to be Demon Baby's Bodyguard. You know how rock stars have "sobriety companions" to keep them out of trouble? Well, Demon doesn't have a crack pipe problem, but he could definitely use someone to keep him from all sorts of trouble. Like yesterday, I came home and was greeted (swear) with "Demon Baby let your bird out of the cage and painted him."
"Painted him? With what?"
"Watercolor paints. Just the beak."
Oh, yes. A Demon Baby Bodyguard.
Anyone else?
Labels: just for fun
posted by Erica Orloff at 7:44 AM
35 Comments:
Painted the bird. LMAO Instant image of Toucan Sam from the cereal commercial. Poor birdie.
Hmm, this week I would like to outsource Gas. >:(
I'm wondering if I should outsource the writing, too. I'll come and chase Demon Baby and do the laundry, you write brilliant books and put my name on them!
Not workin' for ya, eh?
Didn't think so.
Sigh. Must go make a Neo Citron for cranky and shovel the driveway. Oh, the glamorous life.
Oh, Lainey . . . mine is not so terribly glamorous either. Name on book covers . . . yes. Laundry, dirty dishes and painted birds? Yes, yes, yes.
:-)
E
I'd like to outsourse the day job. My muse is working at 110% and the little vixen is trying to convince me to sneak in some writing time while I'm working. If I were working at home, not a problem. In the office, not gonna happen. Outsourcing the day job would make it so much easier to crumble to her whim.
marcia:
LOL! Most definitely. The Muse can be a tough boss.
E
Giggling...
Now I'm visiting you instead of doing pages for Mary's challenge.
How DO you manage with everything? You are Wonder Woman.
Off to write now.
Tena:
I don't know that I manage. I fake it pretty well.
:-)
E
I would outsource all chauffeuring of my children.
At every Girls Night Out I have with my friends, I always wail and moan: "I went to college and got a degree to be a damned chauffer??"
I painted my dog blue with house paint when I was little.
I thought a blue weiner dog would be pretty. Also, he was suprisingly cooperative and smiled the entire time.
Demon Baby is obviously going to be a great artist!
I would outsource cleaning. I hate to clean. One day we were expecting someone and I was going to vacuum. She cancelled, and instead of vacumming I picked up a couple dustballs. Until LaDonna told me that was hilarious, I didn't think that was weird.
LMAO demon baby is hilarious. You should write a book called "Adventures of Demon Baby" It might compete with the Judy Blume "Fudge" series.
I would outsource all housework. All cooking. Have my hairdresser come to ME. Outsource grocery shopping. I hate all those stupid little errands. Of course this would mean I would have to get out of the house more.
Of course if I could outsource all this one would assume I had gobs of money or magical powers, either way I could afford to go do more entertaining things with my spare time.
The cooking. I so hate to cook, and really would just like to sit down to a gourmet meal every night. And the crazy-cat-caretaker is another outsource I could use. My cat is old and I think getting senile. He cries out, all day, at odd times and very loudly, and needs comforting. And he likes to pee randomly throughout the house. Maybe if I painted him blue?
And the Toilet Scrubber Guy would be another awesome outsource.
Your house sounds like so much fun--sounds like you have a little artist in the making!
Okay, I would like to outsource my exercise routine- because I don't realize I'm enjoying it until it's nearly over- and it takes too long to get there.
Oh, and my hair. If someone could cover the gray, wash, blow dry, and straighten while I remain at my computer checking my e-mails and downloading songs- well, that's what fantasies are made of!
Oh my, I'm going to have to be the odd one out here. I looove my mundane chores. It helps me think and then when I sit down and finally get to write all the pent up stuff, it all comes out in a rush. Ahh, braingasm. To add to the fun, I homeschool my kids and am my horse trainers assistant with 5 gorgeous horses.
I love to cook too, going to the grocery store makes my mind wander to being in a crowded market someplace warm. I have lots of spanish speaking people around here, so poof, we are in Mexico. :D
Yes, I know Im weird, and I live in a dream world. Its all been said so many times before. hehe It's ok, thats the beauty of me.
Hey Erica, this is so easy! Cleaning, and I need an office manager. Someone to take care of everything other than actual writing. LOL. Dean Koontz has his sweet wife, who happens to be a goddess that way. He writes terrific books, and she makes it possible. Now, that is the life! I'd like healthy meals, without having to prepare them too. You did say to really let loose on this, right?
Forgot to say, Edie's dustball story tickled my funny bone! She cracks me up daily. What would we do without friends?
Erica, I hope you're having a blast this afternoon! Details, please, details! These days of the glamorous life come in but fleeting snippets!
Outsourcing ... wow, how long can I go on? I'd outsource reviewing the student's theory and telling the kids to count out loud. I'd have him dress up as Count Dracula, LOL. Then I could just teach the music.
If I had unlimited funds, I'd provide a practice coach for their practice sessions. That'd be cool, then they'd always be prepared for their lessons and they'd make fabulous progress.
I already outsource all the business gunk to DH. And most of the "stuff" in life. He does the errands and remembers everything. He touches the dirty dishes (I can barely stand to) and puts them in the dishwasher. I write and teach and play the piano.
I've got it good and don't I know it. I would probably have to add outsourcing the cleaning around here. A maid would sure be nice.
OH! And YES! Someone to cook for us.
Give me a bit. I'm sure I can think of something else.
Oh, right! Changing the kitty litter!
I'd like to outsource the day job, but since we like to eat that isn't possible.
So as an alternative I'll say outsource the volunteer work my wife signs me up for.
Check this out.
To me, it makes sense to outsource the business dealings pertaining to publishing. That's why most professional writers have an AGENT. More power to him, I suppose, but to me it's worth the 15% to not have to deal with all those headaches.
karm:
I know. Depressing, isn't it.
E
heather:
ANOTHER devil child?! I didn't know you had it in ya! :-)
E
edie:
I have a wonderful cleaning woman, thank GOD.
E
ladonna:
Yes. Friends make the day better.
E
spy:
I don't have a cat, but I would DEFINITELY outsource litter box duties if I did.
E
Zoe, Michele:
Cooking and housework. A growing consensus.
E
tracis:
Outsourcing the Honey-Do list. brilliant.
E
Alyson:
Fun, yes, until he's painting YOUR bird.
:-)
E
Jude:
I usually roll my eyes when people post things like that, often for negligible deals, as if they have negotiated some immense thing. When I got my Warner Brothers contracts in the mail, they were 40 pages, single-space, legal size paper with TONS of things to negotiate.
My latest three-book deal took from AUGUST to January to negotiate. I have NO time for it . . . and if I DID, then I would be suspect of my own career. WHY do I have time to act as my own lawyer or agent? Isn't my time better spent WRITING?
It's like people who say, "I didn't need an agent and I got a deal" and then you look at the publisher and it appears as if someone is running off copies in a garage. If THAT'S the deal you want, then more power to you.
I know plenty of authors who don't have one . . . but once they get a modicum of success, they need one fast, most find. I also know a few who have a lawyer only . . . and that's plausible. But really, it's well worth the 15% most of the time in my own experience.
E
colleen:
Horses? I am very envious!
E
Definitely the day-job... everything else I can handle. This is of course supposing that the income would still be there from the day-job. :)
Sigh... someday I'll get rid of the ball-and-chain I call a job.
ewoh:
it's our fantasy outsource company. We can make it do whatever we want.
E
I would outsource all domestic chores except cooking (I can't get enough of that) and anything involving time spent with my child.
stephen:
Except for Demon baby Bodyguard duties while I shower, write a little, etc., me too.
E
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