A Parallel Universe
Through a series of both fortunate and unfortunate events, I have four deadlines riding up against each other over the space of three months.
It's doable.
It's doable in some parallel universe with no Demon Babies and no soccer practice, no softball practice and no family crises or illnesses. If I don't ever have a kid puking in the next three months and if everyone can always find their homework.
It's doable if I opened the door one day, and he walked through to cook dinner every night. While he was at it, if he felt like making out on the couch for a while to relieve some stress, I wouldn't complain. Someone else might, but I wouldn't.
In this parallel universe . . . I would have an entire laundry TEAM. All they would do is match socks. The Sock Commandos would have their work cut out for them, and the Sock SWAT team would guard the laundry room door and the dryer for any stray socks who even THINK about escaping to wherever it is unmatched pairs run to.
I would have a Demon Wrangler. He would carry holy water and yell "The power of Christ compels you" every time Demon Baby tried to feed--like yesterday--plastic sandwich baggies to the dogs. The sad fact is, Dreamer is dumb enough to try to eat them. So I would also need him in my parallel universe.
If one of my kids DID get sick, I would have him. If he also felt like relieving my stress . . . not complaining.
In this world, I would have them. In particular that bald guy. I think he's hot. Yeah, I know the OBVIOUS choice is that tall guy with the thick blond hair. But no, gimme the other one. Especially since he cleans. I bet a guy like that also knows how to change the roll of toilet paper when he's used the last sheet NOT take the new roll out, set it on the sink counter and leave the empty cardboard roll on the toilet paper holder.
If ALL these things come together. If she sprinkles pixie dust, I can do it.
So tell me, in your parallel universe . . . who's on your team? Anyone got deadlines?
It's doable.
It's doable in some parallel universe with no Demon Babies and no soccer practice, no softball practice and no family crises or illnesses. If I don't ever have a kid puking in the next three months and if everyone can always find their homework.
It's doable if I opened the door one day, and he walked through to cook dinner every night. While he was at it, if he felt like making out on the couch for a while to relieve some stress, I wouldn't complain. Someone else might, but I wouldn't.
In this parallel universe . . . I would have an entire laundry TEAM. All they would do is match socks. The Sock Commandos would have their work cut out for them, and the Sock SWAT team would guard the laundry room door and the dryer for any stray socks who even THINK about escaping to wherever it is unmatched pairs run to.
I would have a Demon Wrangler. He would carry holy water and yell "The power of Christ compels you" every time Demon Baby tried to feed--like yesterday--plastic sandwich baggies to the dogs. The sad fact is, Dreamer is dumb enough to try to eat them. So I would also need him in my parallel universe.
If one of my kids DID get sick, I would have him. If he also felt like relieving my stress . . . not complaining.
In this world, I would have them. In particular that bald guy. I think he's hot. Yeah, I know the OBVIOUS choice is that tall guy with the thick blond hair. But no, gimme the other one. Especially since he cleans. I bet a guy like that also knows how to change the roll of toilet paper when he's used the last sheet NOT take the new roll out, set it on the sink counter and leave the empty cardboard roll on the toilet paper holder.
If ALL these things come together. If she sprinkles pixie dust, I can do it.
So tell me, in your parallel universe . . . who's on your team? Anyone got deadlines?
Labels: deadlines
posted by Erica Orloff at 6:29 AM
29 Comments:
So far the only deadlines I have are the ones I set for myself. A personal challenge. (aside from work and volunteer stuff)
In my parallel universe I'd have a mom. Someone to follow me around, pick up after me, make meals, do laundry, etc. Then maybe I'd either get more writing done or at least have a clean house.
Aimless:
I set a lot of personal goals, too--not deadlines, but the "to do" list. Which is MILES long.
E
Oh, I'm having a meltdown this week. I've got a deadline next week on a project that occasionally defines the military term "mission creep." Funny, when the guy (no longer with the project) who brought me in pitched it, it was a 25-40 page market research report and they were handling the surveys. Now, with the report somewhere in the 70-80 page range (so far), anyone i might need to talk to in the next two weeks well on their way to their Virgin Isle vacation, and they contact me YESTERDAY to say, "I guess we should start on the survey, why don't you start feeding us the questions so we can send them out. "
That smell is my brain catching on fire.
Mark:
I share your pain. ;-)
I still have a couple of corporate accounts--one ongoing . . . and a few that call me out of the blue every once in a while. I wish I could say I never had anything like that happen . . . but alas . . . we writers are supposed to be miracle workers with deadlines in the corporate world, right?
I always wanted my own personal Tinkerbell. I loved her because she was so darn cranky ;-)
Lacking her magic, I'm becoming my own Cesar Millan. I have to brag here. (Skip this if you're not a dog person.)
Yesterday my German shepherd, Cami, was a rock star in dog class. The other dogs (mostly big dogs) were really wired for some reason and noisy. Cami lay down in the middle of the room ON HER BACK (which she almost never does because it makes her underside vulnerable) and allowed me to pet her tummy. The instructor said Cami was sending signals to the other dogs to chill out. It was fascinating that after Cami did that, the room was quiet for the rest of the hour. Some of the other dogs even imitated her behavior by rolling on their backs. It was very cool. Apparently Cami is an Alpha dog. She would have made an excellent mother, had she not been spayed.
Sometimes dogs -- like kids and husbands -- can surprise you.
Deadlines: If I don't finish the draft of my chapter-in-progress TODAY I will put myself in my own dog house.
That smell is my brain catching on fire. Mark, you have a way with words.
Tena:
Bravo for Cami! But we all KNEW she was a genius, didn't we? ;-)
E
Erica, I love your Dream Team! Can we share?
Deadlines. My daughter gave me a big coffee mug a couple of years ago. It's a beautiful hand thrown mug in purple and gray with these words: What Deadline?
I've got a self imposed deadline to complete my current WIP (60K to go yikes) by June because I'll be getting edits on my 2009 release shortly after that. And I have to a contracted book by October (only 70K to go). In the meantime I'll be getting galleys on my summer release at some point. And I'm innundated with copywriting right now. Nothing makes me want to write on my wip like having to write something else. Today, I'm writing about firepits.
Still this doesn't hold a candle to 4 deadlines in 3 months. May the Force be with you.
Liz:
I can't share my Dream Team. My life is THAT unmanageable that I need them all. LOL!
E
Have you ever thought of trading editing services (or using blackmail) for nanny/housekeeping services? ;-)
Actually, if I could find someone who wanted that . . . I would do it in a heartbeat.
But I don't want to just advertise for a nanny in the barter section on craigslist. No telling WHAT I'd get. LOL!
E
Ugh. What a subject. I have more of a serial arrangement. My first four chapters are published, and I'm still wresting with the end. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm supposed to get it all done and edited before chapter one goes out, obviously. So, um, oopsy.
DH is my team. I can do it all myself but it takes a heck of a lot longer. And I don't get everything done. *sigh*
I'm doing another one by August, and I'm hoping they'll need one in May. In between, it sure would be nice to get spy novel done.
Spy:
I totally hear you. When you sell on proposal . . .. that's one of the issues. No backing out when you get to a muddled part.
E
Can I borrow the sock commandos, please oh please!!!!
I hope you make all your deadlines without a hitch and that demon baby miraculously decides that precociousness is so last year, opting instead for mild mannered obedience :-) Homework is handled by well organized kiddos and husbands learn that they adore dusting and cooking...
Okay, maybe that's my parallel universe...
Merry:
When my Sock SWAT team matches the last of the whites today (two more loads until the whites go in), I'll send 'em 'round to your place.
E
Oh to have a deadline. :(
Oh hell... I am am my own team. My fantastic wife is always ready to lend a hand (more likely take charge), but bless her she has been so busy lately.
Cooking - all me.
Cleaning - me and the wife, and the once-a-month cleaning lady
Laundry - me and the wife kicking me to do it :)
Kids - me most nights and almost every morning
Pets - we take turns walking the dog, and the rest is easy (except when three cats decide to go bulimic)
Deadlines? Oh, you meant those little things I go flying past all the time :) The only deadline for me is to have a book ready to pitch at the backspace conference in August (NYC). I've lost the love for my current WIP - and have been looking over some older WIPs to see what lights me up. It might even be time to pull out the idea document and see if I can pull e new one out in time.
Jude:
That's why I said "fortunate" and "unfortunate"--in this economy, I am GLAD for deadlines.
E
Ewoh:
Yes, those things flying right by you! LOL!
And you sound like a helluva team.
E
That's one good thing about nursing--it's pretty much recession-proof.
So I've got that going for me.
Plus, I'm bald and I always put a new roll of TP in the holder where it belongs. Chicks dig that. ;)
I forgot to add that i change the tp rolls all the time :) and being bald is (according to my wife) "dead-sexy"! WOOT for me :)
Actually, there is a fairly good picture of me on my donation page for the run I am doing in July (for Erica) here: http://www.active.com/donate/napa08laoc/BrianHowe
Not quite as good as the guy on the TV, but my wife isn't complaining... at least out loud.
Jude, Ewoh:
You have NO idea how the TO thing irks me. WORSE, my CHILDREN seem to genetically have the recessive "can't change the roll" gene. To which I shriek and yell and threaten that they WILL all move away from the dark side . . . and learn to do these SIMPLE tasks!!!!!!
OK . . . I'm calm now.
E
Erica, that was absolutely hilarious! And with eye candy, to boot. Even better. Though I still think the Sock SWAT team is the best idea ever. Good luck with getting all those goals done!
I recently saw a BBC documentary proving that parallel universes really DO exist! I'm just not sure how to get there. . .
Good luck with the deadlines-- sending virtual pixie dust your way!
My stomach hurts I'm laughing so hard!
All of it, so true, so true!
:-)
(We'd pick the same cleaning dude)
booklady:
Happy to oblige with the eye candy. :-)
E
alyson:
Neat. I'd love to see that. As an aside, whenever I see a movie with parallel universes, I get confused! LOL!
E
christine:
Hands off. He's mine. ;-)
E
In my parallel universe I'm surrounded by hot growly vampires and werewolves all day. My parallel universe is completely useless. :P
Zoe:
LOL!
E
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