Chemistry 101
When I was 21, the person whose company I enjoyed most was a man named Kurt (or Curt--I can't remember), quite a bit older than I was. He worked as an exceutive vice president at an investment banking firm in the Twin Towers, was originally from Montcalir, New Jersey, and we were friends. He often took me out to dinner at places that I could never afford on an editor's salary, and we would talk for hours with no lull. Things got tricky around my birthday when Kurt decided he had enough with being "just friends." And the fact is, I was really young and didn't feel any chemistry.
Now that I am older and wiser, I miss him. When the Twin Towers fell, I combed the victims' names . . . and truthfully, I have no idea what happened to him. He stopped being my friend, and I am left with wondering . . .
Here's the other thing, I was REALLY young. And I am telling you that I agnonized over this "chemistry" thing. I didn't understand it. I WANTED to be madly in love with him. I wanted to like him as more than a friend. But I didn't. Oh, there were lots of reasons I suppose. In hindsight, I don't imagine we could ever talk politics. He was from "old money." The only thing old about any money we had was if it stayed in our pockets a while. But chemistry made no sense to me. You couldn't "will" it, could you?
Years passed. The people I had "chemistry" with were almost uniformly not good for me. And now--again older and wiser--I wonder about chemistry and do think it can be nurtured. Either that, or the things that I like in a person are much different--intelligence, decency, a sense of purpose, spirituality, belief in social justice, a sense of humor, can the man make a decent scrambled egg? My chemistry with women friends is similar . . . humor somehow edging out most of the other qualities.
As a writer, every time I put in a relationship (romantic or even close partnership), I'm looking to create "chemistry." For me, I "show" it through dialogue--finishing each other's thoughts, inside jokes (even if the reader doesn't quite get it yet).
So . . . your thoughts on chemistry? Can it be forced? What is on your chemical combustion list? How do you show it in writing? And if Kurt is somehow reading this . . . hi!
Now that I am older and wiser, I miss him. When the Twin Towers fell, I combed the victims' names . . . and truthfully, I have no idea what happened to him. He stopped being my friend, and I am left with wondering . . .
Here's the other thing, I was REALLY young. And I am telling you that I agnonized over this "chemistry" thing. I didn't understand it. I WANTED to be madly in love with him. I wanted to like him as more than a friend. But I didn't. Oh, there were lots of reasons I suppose. In hindsight, I don't imagine we could ever talk politics. He was from "old money." The only thing old about any money we had was if it stayed in our pockets a while. But chemistry made no sense to me. You couldn't "will" it, could you?
Years passed. The people I had "chemistry" with were almost uniformly not good for me. And now--again older and wiser--I wonder about chemistry and do think it can be nurtured. Either that, or the things that I like in a person are much different--intelligence, decency, a sense of purpose, spirituality, belief in social justice, a sense of humor, can the man make a decent scrambled egg? My chemistry with women friends is similar . . . humor somehow edging out most of the other qualities.
As a writer, every time I put in a relationship (romantic or even close partnership), I'm looking to create "chemistry." For me, I "show" it through dialogue--finishing each other's thoughts, inside jokes (even if the reader doesn't quite get it yet).
So . . . your thoughts on chemistry? Can it be forced? What is on your chemical combustion list? How do you show it in writing? And if Kurt is somehow reading this . . . hi!
Labels: chemistry, love, romantic tension
posted by Erica Orloff at 7:12 AM
24 Comments:
I don't think "chemistry" can be forced...either in real life or in writing.
I've had characters that I had planned on "being together" but they didn't work out and went their separate ways. I've had others that I didn't really plan on connecting, but something clicked.
Sometimes I just feel the characters take on a life of their own. I'm just telling their story.
JLK:
Definitely.Twice I've written books where the love interest changed halfway through. It was . . . magic between them, I guess.
The sadness of youth.
I don't think chemistry can be forced. I often look at my husband, who I married because he was my best friend, and wonder about that chemistry. I know he feels it for me. Or felt it from the beginning. For me, it has grown over the years.
Youth and love....
I need some wine now.
Hi Christine:
The ol' "If I knew then what I know now . . . "
E
Youth and love....
I need some wine now.
I can't find the source, but someone once said, "You know you're old when you leave the house in the morning without the hope or expectation of falling in love."
Given that definition, shit, I'm still a teenager.
And by the way, a few years ago I hunted down my Girl Next Door from childhood and we exchanged a rapid sequence of uproarious emails.
You know you're old when you track down former romantic interests without the hope or expectation of exchanging rapid sequences of uproarious emails.
Maybe KurtCurt feels the same way.
Steve:
LOL! You know, I've done some searches, you young teeny-bopper . . . But to no avail. But you never know.
It would make a GREAT story if I found the guy. LOL!
E
I'll weight in here for the other side. I believe that "chemistry" is like a lot of other things in life.... a choice.
Some people have a lot of "chemistry" at the beginning of a relationship, which then seems to dissapate over time. Others will have none at the beginning and over time develope it.
What changes? Chemicals? Is it an imbalance? Or a realignment of chemicals over time?
Nope... just choice. We make choices on the spot, and we change those choices over time. Look at your politics, your religion, your friendships. They have all changed over the course of your life. Some stronger, some weaker, some created newly, some disappear.
The best part is that at any moment, you have the power to choose. You can change your mind at any time and there is nothing wrong with it at all.
For what its worth... Erica I think what you were looking for at the time in question with Kurt (Curt) was passion or lust.
Hi Ewoh:
Oh, I don't disagree. I was looking for "sparks" and I was a young kid (by my way of thinking now) who hadn't a CLUE what love was. Still don't, frankly.
So . . . I agree with you on some level. But then I also know there is that love-at-first-sight thing that seems far less about choice and far more about some subset of the subconcious we don't yet understand.
E
Talking for hours with no lull is some chemistry! I hope he's okay. :-(
Me? I feel chemistry for any hero who's like Ranger, LOL. I tend to think that effective chemistry between the main character and the hero is really effective chemistry between the reader and the hero.
Chemistry, I think, is all about tension. Creating that tension is not so different from story tension, it seems. I tend to stay out of the way and use a light touch, so the reader has room to help create the hero.
But then the other way works, too. When it works, it works!
Hi Spy:
Those are really great points--when the reader feels chmistry for the hero or heroine . . . then the whole love triangle of sorts is complete.
I got a lot of fan mail from men after Spanish Disco. It was published by Red Dress Ink--it's not really a "man" book. And every single guy that wrote me was infatuated, in a sense, with Cassie Hayes (must like their women high maintenance)--and every single one wanted to know if the author was anything like Cassie Hayes. I even had one guy track me down IRL and mail me a present. A little . . . creepy.
Soooooooo, bottom line, I think you are definitely onto something.
E
The mystical explanation appeals to me, that we live many lives and have actual soul mates who some of us are lucky enough to find. The subsequent chemistry that occurs, and the choices we ultimately make, are secondary to the spiritual magnetism drawing us toward those people, IMO.
Jude:
I like believing in that too.
E
Jude:
P.S.--especially in fiction/romance.
I don't think chemistry can be forced, but it could grow by knowing someone and admiring their character. OTOH, sometimes chemistry can fool you. We probably all know women who stay with someone who's bad for them, and when you question them they say, "But I love them." I want to say, "Get over it."
Edie:
Chemistry can indeed fool people . . . passion can fool people. Think of a long-term marriage of ups and downs versus a brief romance . . .
E
I don't think chemistry can be forced, but i do think it can grow. I am currently crushing on a guy who just doesn't feel that way about me. I'm subtle, not pushy and perfectly happy with my current "just friends" status. But i'd be a liar if i didn't admit that i hope to be a hard girl to match when it comes time to pick the girlfriend and he will realize what a gem he has here and fall into liking me. I won't be devastated if it doesn't happen, but i still hope that it does.
I think chemistry can grow - can kind of sneak up on a person. Someone you thought you had no chemistry for might become extremely attractive to you in later years. I think this is why historically many arranged marriages did work. Love and chemistry came later. That said, I do think there is a thing as absolutely no chemistry and that could never grow not in a million years.
Ah - this post made me nostalgic myself.
jessie:
Here's hoping he notices!!!!
E
ello:
Actually, this whole post got me thinking about arranged marriages. And also, I was talking with a girlfriend about "what I would look for now" versus "what I looked for at 21." WHOLE different list, you know?
E
Erica, I wanna know where that guy is, and that he's okay.
I'm with Jude, mystical all the way!
ladonna:
I honestly wish I knew. After getting some emails from readers today, and the blog, I did a cursory search. Nothing.
You know, he worked at WTC long before 9/11, it's entirely possible he moved on. He worked for Oppenheimer. But . . . you know, when the planes hit, my mind just flew to him. Funny how the mind works sometimes. My sister's best high school friend . . . lost her brother. My parents' friends . . . lost a son (fireman). I knew firemen there. Cops. I have a flag in my family room from one of the firehouses where we knew a guy.
It was surreal. And it was hard not to think of my former friend.
E
When I first started dating my husband, this is the god's honest truth...I thought "Sure, I'll go on one date, it's not like I have to marry him." I was attracted to the fact that he just "asked me out." There was no macho swagger, no way out for his ego if I said no. He was just honest, ballsy, and had confidence. He laid it out on the table.
I found that sufficiently attractive to say yes. As for chemistry?
I honestly don't believe anyone can know they don't have sexual chemistry until they've done something sexual. People will surprise you.
With Tom I liked him, we got along okay, but I didn't feel "chemistry."
Then at the end of the night he kissed me. I was halfway between turned on and pissed off because I made it clear I don't kiss on the first date. This isn't because I'm a prude, it's because people are nervous enough on first dates just getting to know each other. They shouldn't have to spend the entire night worrying about their kissing or sexual technique with a practical stranger.
But damn, it was a good kiss. There would be times after that that I would wonder if we were right for each other on many mundane levels, but after that kiss I had no doubt we had chemistry.
LMAO Spy, Ranger is your litmus test for a man, like Spike is mine.
Zoe:
Neat story. And you're right. People can surprise you--the flip side can also be true. You THINK there's great chemistry. And it's all a big "meh."
E
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