What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been
I was reading a magazine on the plane. Some trashy magazine I wouldn't ordinarily buy left by my seat's previous occupant. They asked some celebrity guy where he would be in ten years. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care what some actor or actress thinks, but it happened to be HIM. And he's that damn good-looking, so I read it. And his quote was something absurdist that I can't really recall because I am so exhausted from travel. BUT . . . the gist of it is who the hell knows, and that's what's so great about life. It's all an unknown.
I have been visiting my parents. My father is blind, and he doesn't have an easy time of things. Everything is hard when you are blind--particularly if you weren't BORN blind and only BECAME blind as an 74 year old man. A lot to get used to. And consequently, my mom doesn't have an easy time of things.
And to make a LONG story short, I am trying to get them to sell their house (yes, in THIS economy) and move near me so I can help caretake. And there were moments, as I ran after Demon Baby in their house, trying to keep him from leaving things on the floor that would trip my dad, where I thought . . . how did I get here? As in this video.
And when I think about it even more . . . I would not ever have pictured my life. Not being a writer--a working writer, a writer who actually publishes books. Not a mom of 4. (MAYBE two or three. Most definitely no Demon Baby in sight.) Not caring for my father, not him being blind. Not the books and adventures I've had--those horrible lows when I wonder . . . what the hell was I THINKING becoming a writer and then those amazing highs (Agent calling: "We have an offer.")
I'm not sure how I got here. Sometimes I think sheer force of will. Sometimes luck. Sometimes hard work. Sometimes persistance. Sometimes duty and compassion. Sometimes the fates.
How did I get here?
So tell me . . . when you survey your somewhat grown-up life . . . how did you get here, oh writers?
I have been visiting my parents. My father is blind, and he doesn't have an easy time of things. Everything is hard when you are blind--particularly if you weren't BORN blind and only BECAME blind as an 74 year old man. A lot to get used to. And consequently, my mom doesn't have an easy time of things.
And to make a LONG story short, I am trying to get them to sell their house (yes, in THIS economy) and move near me so I can help caretake. And there were moments, as I ran after Demon Baby in their house, trying to keep him from leaving things on the floor that would trip my dad, where I thought . . . how did I get here? As in this video.
And when I think about it even more . . . I would not ever have pictured my life. Not being a writer--a working writer, a writer who actually publishes books. Not a mom of 4. (MAYBE two or three. Most definitely no Demon Baby in sight.) Not caring for my father, not him being blind. Not the books and adventures I've had--those horrible lows when I wonder . . . what the hell was I THINKING becoming a writer and then those amazing highs (Agent calling: "We have an offer.")
I'm not sure how I got here. Sometimes I think sheer force of will. Sometimes luck. Sometimes hard work. Sometimes persistance. Sometimes duty and compassion. Sometimes the fates.
How did I get here?
So tell me . . . when you survey your somewhat grown-up life . . . how did you get here, oh writers?
Labels: life
posted by Erica Orloff at 8:08 PM
26 Comments:
You're okay! I was getting worried about you!
I think mostly because I didn't know. If I had known how hard it was to learn piano when I started, I would have been too overwhelmed. If I had known how hard writing was, I never would have started. If I had known how challenging it was to get published before writing seduced me, I would've never let it get my attention.
Hah! What does that say about me? But mostly, it's because I didn't realize that this one step I'm taking next would be part of a journey taking me to somewhere beyond my imagination. If that makes sense.
Life is hard. When I was a little kid up until I was 28, life was so hard. It was hard work and alot of suffering and angst. But now, my life has turned around and while I can't say it is easy, I can say I have become so blessed and fortunate. So I paid my dues to get where I am, I think I have more to pay for the writing part, but I'm all about following this road and seeing where it will lead.
Spy, your comment rocks! "We don't know." So true. We all stumble, fall, and fly. I guess it's up to each of us how often we do each.
So glad you're back, Erica. I was worried too.
When Erica's not posting, Erica's fans wonder, "Where da hoe be at?" Some of us were preparing to fill out a Missing Blogger Report but had to wait out the requisite "maybe it's just a midlife thing" mandated by the blogger cops.
I often ask myself how I ended up where I am. But I've always wanted to be a dad, write novels, and live in Europe, so . . .
I just didn't know it would be this hard to sell a novel to publishers. It is many, many times harder than I ever suspected.
Hi Spy:
Nice to be back . . . and I suppose it's good we DON'T know. The actor was right. It's the adventure of it.
E
Hi Ello:
The older I get, the moe I am aware of how difficult the human journey is, punctuated by moments of great joy.
E
ladonna:
So true, and mcuh more succinctly than I put it.
:-)
E
stephen:
Missed you guys too. But . . . "mid-life thing"? I'm only 29. Again.
E
It's sort of hard not to view things as "before" and "after." Before I went full-time as a writer; after I went full-time as a writer. Before I was married; after I was married. Before kids; after kids.
But I suppose it's a continuum and these large events influenced everything that happens afterward.
I thought I would be a fulltime writer eventually, but I never, ever thought as a journalist and business writer. I figured novelist. And I STILL DO!!! (Go figure).
I try not to have regrets, but it's probably unfortunate I didn't know some full-time freelance writers a whole lot earlier who might have said, "Yo, Mark, you're a good enough writer, why don't you try some journalism; take a break from the novels for a few months."
But then again, it's probably not a good idea to mess with a good thing.
Hi Mark:
I gage my entire life by pregnancies (I was pregnant with Oldest when this happened . . . I just found out I was pregnant with Baby #3 when this happened--or was it Baby #4).
As for "wish I knew"--I view novel writing as a gig . . . and thought I would ALWAYS view it as magical. And it's not that I don't love it--I do. But it's still . . . a living. I didn't expect that.
E
Never figured you for a "Dead Head"...then again...
Actually, I never figured on living long enough to be a writer. I thought I might die in a tank somewhere in Germany. But the Russkies didn't cooperate.
The enthusiastic, but shoddy efforts of some parties in Iraq to move me along to the next world have thus far not worked out, so I've been resigned to becoming an old writer. Never would have thunk it! ;)
Hi JLK:
Come on? I don't strike you as an Earth Mother at heart? ;-)
Glad you're sticking around!
E
I remember reading a book on writing or an article on writing for a living--I've read so many I don't remember which one it was--and the writer said something along the lines of, "When you start writing for a living, how you feel about writing will change. I'm not going to tell you how it will change, but it will. I'll let you find out for yourself."
And I think he was 100% correct. I still love writing, but...
Hi Mark:
When I wasn't writing to be published, it was all mine, in some dreamy, sort of personal, "journal" way. I didn't worry about plot, I wasn't probably even very good. But it was mine. Now once it leaves me and goes to my editors . . . and then gets published, it belongs to the world at large--inviting criticism, comment, and so on. It fundamentally changes by the involvement of audience.
Sounds like a blog topic.
E
Welcome home!
Too weird. I heard the music before I clicked the link! And I knew you'd ping Stephen for that mid-life thing!
Um, yeah. Cleaned the carpets on Monday, which ya know was just an invitation to babysit my puking nephew Tuesday. When not throwing up, the kid actually felt well enough to release the hounds. With snow run off and rain, the drainage ditch behind my house is a flowing river of filth, which ya know is utopia for lab/retriever mixes.
Barf and three hundred pounds of swamp dog on clean carpets. Lainey Bancroft: THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
Oh, and on the writing thingy: what Spy said!
Lainey:
Your life sound suspiciously like mine. Except the dirty-dog- and vomit-wielding culprit is my own, usually, and can't be returned to his rightful owners at the end of the day.
E
I was worried too and thinking about emailing Spy. Glad you're back.
I know how I got here. The need to tell stories was in me, and something that strong has to come out. It's not an easy road, but I'm not backing off or looking for another road. With all the frustrations, this is what I want to do.
Hi edie:
Welcome to the Yellow Brick Road.
:-)
E
I've spent half my life drinking and smoking and chasing women. Unfortunately, I've pretty much wasted the other half.
Seriously, though, if I can find just a little bit of love and laughter every day, I feel my life is a success. No regrets.
Jude:
Laughter is a good reason to get out of bed each day.
E
Oh boy. You do have your hands full. I feel for your Dad. Is it just my bias or do older men have far more struggles than older women?
My life? How much time do you have? Well to do white kid. Prep school. Good college. Dream job. High school sweetheart - football captain, QB (duh!) and lacrosse star. Dreams......
Fast forward 26 years.
Husband who wouldn't know which end of a lax stick to hold. 3 kids. All with autism. Two battles with unemployment on top of autism that have just wiped us out financially. 6 moves. 7th coming (across town.) Agita. Tears. Frustration. Worry. Shock.
And then.... Joy. Peace. Growth. The knowledge I can survive! Real grown up for better or worse richer or poorer sickness or health love. Love! Learning. Helping others learn. Making friends. Sloughing off enemies. Fiercely protecting my kids. Did I mention growth.
Life is a curvy road. Grab your gloves, grip the wheel and hang on for dear life.
Life is good.
And Erica! Mark got a job last week! Hooray!!!!!
And Erica! Mark got a job last week! Hooray!!!!!
Kim:
Oh, I have tears in my eyes. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO relieved about his finding a job!!!!!!!!!
And yes, all those lessons, so beautifully put and hard-earned.
E
I traveled around the country and landed in the midwest, flat on my face. But I dusted myself off and am always striving to find the blessings in the bullshit.
Amy:
Finding blessings in the bullshit should be a bumper sticker!
E
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