Love/Hate
I was downloading some music for my nephew this weekend. And he wanted a certain band for his iPod, and it pained me. PAINED me. Give me Arcade Fire. Give me John Hiatt. Give me Coldplay. But don't give me . . . I can't even SPEAK their name. So I said, "I hate this band and you're killin' me,kid. Can you not be satisfied with all the cool music I have already given you (including old RUN-DMC????)?
My mom, sitting in the living room, said, "As a Buddhist, you shouldn't say HATE." (This from a lapsed Catholic, but . . . she and my dad ask a lot of questions.)
She's right of course.
I should strike the word from my vocabulary. Even when discussing politics. Or music. Or things removed from me. But like most people, I am a swirling mass of loves and hates.
And I started thinking about it. I tend to describe my characters as a set of "positives." You know, "He's a magician who has dedicated his life to the clan." Or "He is a professor who has studied medievel history his entire life. It's his passion." I give a list of attributes.
But in rethinking things, I am starting to feel like perhaps I would do well to think about what they LOATHE as well as what their passions are. Because, sometimes--SOMETIMES--I think it says more about us when we explore what we hate, really hate, versus what we love.
Case in point? I love my children. I would die for them. I love my parents, I love candles. I love the rain when my windows are open and I can smell it. I love baby giggles. But really? Don't MOST people?
What do I hate? My son's snake, Lydia. Laundry. Emptying the dishwasher. Hypocrites. Racists. Male chauvinists. People who pretend to like children but want them "seen and not heard." Teachers who have forgotten they can inspire. War. People who wear a smile but give backhanded compliments.
Think EVERYONE hates those things? Maybe. But a lot of people won't take a stand. Won't speak up. It's easier to "go along."
I work at not hating. I empty the dishwasher so we have clean dishes. I do the laundry. I pray for racists to become enlightened. But there's a part of me that really, really can't stand people who condescend to children.
So I work at it. And in thinking about my characters . . . I am starting to think . . . sure, they love some things. But what do they HATE?
Sometimes, I know. but in one case, I am NOT SURE. And I need to be. So it's more psychological exploration of my character tomorrow. Hope he's ready for it. He's hitting my Couch. (Where many of you have reclined.)
Thoughts?
My mom, sitting in the living room, said, "As a Buddhist, you shouldn't say HATE." (This from a lapsed Catholic, but . . . she and my dad ask a lot of questions.)
She's right of course.
I should strike the word from my vocabulary. Even when discussing politics. Or music. Or things removed from me. But like most people, I am a swirling mass of loves and hates.
And I started thinking about it. I tend to describe my characters as a set of "positives." You know, "He's a magician who has dedicated his life to the clan." Or "He is a professor who has studied medievel history his entire life. It's his passion." I give a list of attributes.
But in rethinking things, I am starting to feel like perhaps I would do well to think about what they LOATHE as well as what their passions are. Because, sometimes--SOMETIMES--I think it says more about us when we explore what we hate, really hate, versus what we love.
Case in point? I love my children. I would die for them. I love my parents, I love candles. I love the rain when my windows are open and I can smell it. I love baby giggles. But really? Don't MOST people?
What do I hate? My son's snake, Lydia. Laundry. Emptying the dishwasher. Hypocrites. Racists. Male chauvinists. People who pretend to like children but want them "seen and not heard." Teachers who have forgotten they can inspire. War. People who wear a smile but give backhanded compliments.
Think EVERYONE hates those things? Maybe. But a lot of people won't take a stand. Won't speak up. It's easier to "go along."
I work at not hating. I empty the dishwasher so we have clean dishes. I do the laundry. I pray for racists to become enlightened. But there's a part of me that really, really can't stand people who condescend to children.
So I work at it. And in thinking about my characters . . . I am starting to think . . . sure, they love some things. But what do they HATE?
Sometimes, I know. but in one case, I am NOT SURE. And I need to be. So it's more psychological exploration of my character tomorrow. Hope he's ready for it. He's hitting my Couch. (Where many of you have reclined.)
Thoughts?
Labels: passions
posted by Erica Orloff at 7:53 PM
35 Comments:
That's interesting. I have to think about that.
Okay, this is one little pet peeve of mine. It's silly. I hate when people are fake with children. Well, actually, I hate it when people are fake, period. Oh, wait, people who are bitches but smile and act all friendly and polite but they're really making masked snide comments.
Oh, heck, you got me going. :-) I hate when people say "sorry" really snotty while they're attacking you and not feeling sorry at all.
what about people who like kids okay in limited circumstances but would chew off their own arm before they'd have one of their own?
This is very timely for me. I'm on the verge of delving deeper into a character and learning what she hates is a great tool for me.
Hate is a big issue for me. I try not to hate anything or anyone. Of course, I fail at that, but at least I'm working on it. I tell myself that if I dislike someone enough to hate them, then why would I waste that kind of energy on them. Maybe that's convoluted?
Liz, I understand that and can't think of anything I hate with a passion. I prefer to move on.
But, yes, spyscribbler, I had one of those in my last job except there were no snide comments to your face, only behind your back. A nasty piece of work and we managed to get rid of her but it spoilt things for me and I changed job. Still, I don't hate her. I actually think she must be a sad, sad person who will never be satisfied with her lot. All material for my writing, of course.
Spy:
LOL! I don't actually hate a lot of things--I just tend to move away from things I don't care for. But in thinking about my synopses and character sketches, I nearly ALWAYS accentuate the positive and don't really look at what they loathe or what would motivate them from that side of their personality.
E
zoe:
Actually, I have a lot of friends who like kids in increments and would rather chew off BOTH their arms than have the chaos of four kids. But I do dislike people who condescend to kids--as if they are lesser beings. And that I don't care for. I have a couple of acquaintances that . . . well, I don't feel comfortable with adult to adult--we're just very different or whatever. But I so LOVE how they are toward my kids that I forgive MUCH. They're just kid people.
E
Liz:
That's precisely it!! I let go. BUT . . . for character studies I don't need these Middle Path people. I need characters who are very complex and passionate and I need to learn more about them.
E
Suzanne:
We're like scavengers. Using it all for the work.
E
I wonder if this comes down to: what does your character feel strongly about.
It's a good, interesting post and gives me a lot to think about. Thanks.
Hi Mark:
Exactly. And sometimes, when I write my synospes, or I think about my characters . . . I guess I LIKE them a lot, which sometimes means I only see them as a set of positives.
E
If you need something for a character to hate, Republicans are always available.
I've been thinking about this post since shortly after you put it up, and I can't think of anyone or anything I truly "hate." Racists, for instance (to use one of your examples), were taught to be that way.
Don't forget: anniversary tribute to Miss Snark on Pat Wood's Blog starting May 20th.
I hate certain politicians -- who are in office right now. The place they should be is jail.
Stephen:
I know. In reality, "hate" is really a strong word. And I nearly always see "the other side" in a gray world. Like you, I tend to see not just the person standing in front of me filled with just racist rants or whatever, but a product of something bigger. Still, like Mark said, what does my character care about, feel strongly about?
E
Edie:
Oh, yes, I think there is a very warm spot in hell for a few folks.
E
I'm sorry this isn't related to your post, but I'm halfway through "Pillars of the Earth" and love it so much!
Have you read it?
Are the monks mentioned in the book Buddhist monks? (Sorry that's an ignorant question I could probably look up, but thought your answer would be more interesting)
Dealing with character hates is great way to dig deep, Erica. Thanks, cause I never really laid it out like that.
And the one thing I relate to hate, is people who hurt children. That's the deal-breaker for me. In fact, I'm so passionate about it I can't think of solutions or anything. I just want those people separate from society, away from children period.
Chris:
I believe those are monks from an Anglican monastery.
I still remember how much I loved Eye of the Needle!!
E
ladonna:
Yes. I meant to add that as an addendum to my reply to Stephen. Total dealbreaker.
As Andrew Vachss says . . . "To feel the feeling is sick. To ACT on it is evil."
E
Hmm, I hate the little &*(^%$# that broke into my van last night and destroyed the paperwork (which admittedly should not have been in there in the first place) and stole all my meter money out of the ashtray!
I'd like to take the high road and think they needed the change to buy milk and bread....okay, so I don't really hate them. But I know they didn't buy milk!
Because I personally have such a long list of things I personally cannot stand, I think it is amost second nature for me to automatically think of what my characters like and don't like in a list and then use it accordingly. But yes it is important to think of those things that drive a person batty to flesh them out, right? Make them more human.
I hate superficiality. I hate small talk. I hate smelly people. I hate public toilets. I hate naked dolls strewn all over my house. I could keep going so I better stop! ;o)
Hi Lainey:
I am so sorry--what a disheartening thing.
E
Hi Ello:
I read a funny quote in Esquire from Dustin Hoffman. It had to do with farting--and all I could do was think, "ELLO WOULD LOVE THIS!"
:-)
E
I still remember how much I loved Eye of the Needle!!
ME TOO.
I hate certain politicians -- who are in office right now. The place they should be is jail.
Hate them, no. Jail for them, yes. Throw away the key.
Great post Erica, and of course the whole community of commenters.
The path of education I am pursuing teaches a distinction or mantra that "what you resist persists". I won't go into the entire discussion here, but in essence if you can't accept racism as a "what is so" and let it go past you without making it wrong it will continue to grow and manifest itself in your life. That is not to say that you should in anyway take racism as being OK. It just means giving up on the hating of it. Once you can be in that place you can go to work on transforming racism in the world. Making it wrong only reinforces and entrenches it.
Racism exists. It is a story that some people created that one group of people (themselves) is better than another group of people. That is really at the heart of the issue. It has no basis in reality because it is completely a creation in the world of language. As a part of that world it can be dealt with as a construct rather than as a person or a group of people. Altering or transforming a conversation or a discussion is quite different than making someone wrong and requires entirely different actions and tactics.
Anyway, that is my contribution for whatever it is worth.
A few years ago, a friend and I were in Dublin, riding around in a car with two other people we didn't know very well. My friend and I were laughing and joking and carrying on like we always do when we're together and about two hours into it, the driver turned to look at us and said, "Can you hear yourselves? You LOVE this and you HATE that, is there no middle ground?"
To which my friend replied, "We're passionate people!"
And so, Erica, are YOU!
heh, yeah I don't think kids are lesser beings.
THey're just shorter beings.
Erica, I think I can help. My favourite appliance is my dishwasher (I'm obsessed) and I LOVE filling, turning it on, opening the door when it's finished it's cycle, and emptying it.
So.... I'll gladly come on over and take over emptying it for you.....
I use the word "hate" too often but rarely mean it. (okay, maybe there is that Republican thing.)
Do I think my characters hate? I'd think they have strong dislike but would I give them the word hate? Well there is that serial killer but beyond that? If I make them more hateful would people not like them enough to bond?
brian:
My kids run into prejudice all the time as Mexican-Americans--especially now. When other kids say racist things . . . I can see it's the stories they have been told. (Doesn't make it any less heartbreaking for my kids, but still . . . )
E
zoe:
LOL! Yes, shorter. And in the case of Demon Baby, more devious.
E
alyson:
I tend to burst . . . the good, the bad, the ups and downs . . . I look for the Middle Way, but my personality is most definitely at extremes naturally.
E
sara:
Wonderful. And I like cleaning the bathroom counters . . . so if you need that handled . . . :-)
E
Hi Aimless:
Hmm . . . I tend to write characters who are pretty "out there"--I think readers either love them or hate them. Ooops. Or strongly dislike them. :-)
E
Erica, it's a deal! I HATE anything to do with cleaning (apart from aforementioned dishwasher).
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