Existential Angst
This one is for my pal, Mark Terry. But though I've put his name there, I could have put hers. Or hers. (Gotcha!) I could have put any number of my writer friends. In fact, I should just put a link to every writer I know and those I don't out in the blogosphere.
First, two definitions:
Angst: A kind of fear or anxiety; Angst is German for “fear.” It is usually applied to a deep and essentially philosophical anxiety about the world in general or personal freedom.
Existential crisis: A concept in existentialism describing a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort about questions of existence. It is presumably more common in cultures where basic survival needs have been overcome.
Is there any profession, any hobby, any way to pass your time . . . that involves more of "head . . . meet desk" than writing? Why do we DO this to ourselves? We love writing with a passion, most of us. Give us a good writing week and we are practically dancing. Give us a bad one, a case of I-Suckitis, a day when we can't seem to write a SENTENCE that is servicable, let alone a paragraph (my yesterday) . . . and we are having a full-blown existential crisis.
Now, in reality, I don't have a lot of ANXIETY about writing. It's the rest of my life that sends me careening down THAT particular slide at the playground. But there is often a sense of WHY am I doing this? Am I any GOOD at doing this? It's a profession that invites people--total strangers--to have OPINIONS about you as writer. Your work. And if you get famous enough, like J.K. Rowling famous, opinions about your life.
This is fun? Writing something and asking people to JUDGE it? Over at Book Roast yesterday it was a fun free-for-all. And then . . . ONE commenter (you can read through to his) made a seemingly innocuous comment. "Interesting excerpt."
My first thought was "interesting how"? Interesting as in you see an ugly baby and say, "Wow! That's some baby."
Then the commenter said the excerpt was "raw." I thought "Raw how? Raw as in unpolished? Raw as in it needs an editor?"
Now . . . this really isn't about that commenter (who said nothing unkind at all). It is about how angst-ridden a writers' mind can be. It's about the oddity of it as a profession.
So . . . what sets you off on an existential crisis? Do you ever wonder . . . why do I do this? What's it all for? Or in the immortal words of Dionne Warwick, "What's it all about, Alfie?"
First, two definitions:
Angst: A kind of fear or anxiety; Angst is German for “fear.” It is usually applied to a deep and essentially philosophical anxiety about the world in general or personal freedom.
Existential crisis: A concept in existentialism describing a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort about questions of existence. It is presumably more common in cultures where basic survival needs have been overcome.
Is there any profession, any hobby, any way to pass your time . . . that involves more of "head . . . meet desk" than writing? Why do we DO this to ourselves? We love writing with a passion, most of us. Give us a good writing week and we are practically dancing. Give us a bad one, a case of I-Suckitis, a day when we can't seem to write a SENTENCE that is servicable, let alone a paragraph (my yesterday) . . . and we are having a full-blown existential crisis.
Now, in reality, I don't have a lot of ANXIETY about writing. It's the rest of my life that sends me careening down THAT particular slide at the playground. But there is often a sense of WHY am I doing this? Am I any GOOD at doing this? It's a profession that invites people--total strangers--to have OPINIONS about you as writer. Your work. And if you get famous enough, like J.K. Rowling famous, opinions about your life.
This is fun? Writing something and asking people to JUDGE it? Over at Book Roast yesterday it was a fun free-for-all. And then . . . ONE commenter (you can read through to his) made a seemingly innocuous comment. "Interesting excerpt."
My first thought was "interesting how"? Interesting as in you see an ugly baby and say, "Wow! That's some baby."
Then the commenter said the excerpt was "raw." I thought "Raw how? Raw as in unpolished? Raw as in it needs an editor?"
Now . . . this really isn't about that commenter (who said nothing unkind at all). It is about how angst-ridden a writers' mind can be. It's about the oddity of it as a profession.
So . . . what sets you off on an existential crisis? Do you ever wonder . . . why do I do this? What's it all for? Or in the immortal words of Dionne Warwick, "What's it all about, Alfie?"
Labels: existentialism
posted by Erica Orloff at 8:16 AM
19 Comments:
Okay, I was already in Smirk Mode today for no known reason--spent 4-5 hours on the road yesterday maybe?--but this amused me.
Maybe it's just writers. i don't know, I'll have to ask my brother, the music professor and composer, if musicians are neurotic self-obsessors (my guess is a resounding Yes, particularly if you throw in the particularly self-referential aspect of being a college professor). Wait--ask your daughter. Her age might not help matters, since teenagers are, by definition, self-absorbed.
I sometimes think the real issue is writers spend so much time mining their own thoughts and emotions that any hint that the rest of the world doesn't give a damn only knocks them off their pedestals.
Hmmm....
Or....
Didn't Paul Simon write a song about thinking too much? (Actually, I think he wrote TWO! songs about thinking too much). :)
Mark:
Glad I could help you smirk.
And Oldest Daughter has horrific existential crises about music ALL the time that have nothing to do with her age. It's the music thing, the being judged thing.
E
In the midst of a "hang it all up and start doing something else" crisis myself. I think and think and then I overthink for a while before I just go back to thinking again.
Just like I can stew in my own thoughts endlessly, I can also marinate in the thoughts of others, and oftentimes I want to. Tell me what you think, what you think I could and should do, and I will take it from there, thankyouverymuch.
I'm in the middle of a troublesome chapter - and I've asked CPs for help and it's all over the map. I think I shall revert into my own head, my own thoughts and see where it leads me. It's a stumbling block that is making me un-believe in myself. I don't want to be told it's good, I want to get into the head of those who think it should be better.
My very best friend of 30 years said to me once, in regard to thinking too much, "I don't want this to happen for a very, very long time - but when you die - and you're like 90-something - could you leave your brain to science? Someone needs to figure out what is going on up there!"
AMY:
LOL! If I left my brain to science . . . I have NO idea what the heck they'd find up there. :-) Abby Normal, that's for sure.
You know, for what it's worth . . . maybe . . . step back and see if there is ONE friend who is either published and whose work you admire, a professional editor, or a voice of confident reasoning, and instead of culling TEN opinions (or whatever) see if you can't focus on getting one read you feel pretty sure you can trust. It may take a while to develop that kind of beta reader relationship but maybe it would be worth it to seek out. Just a thought . . . I know on this blog, JVZ is my go-to guy. He will nail me better than anyone I know. Hmm . . . that doesn't sound right. He's happily married. But you get what I mean.
E
LOLOL! I've been thinking about this a lot. I agree with Mark, partly, about being so close to our emotions. But then again, I'm actually happy, calm, and centered when I'm writing. It's when I think about writing that I go absolutely nutso!
I can't tell you how often in the last year that I've thought that the worst thing I ever did to myself as a writer was get involved in the writing community.
NOT the friends. I wouldn't take that back in a second. I love you guys. Just the ... who I'm writing for, RWA, why am I not writing for NY yet, etc., that BS. It's like, I feel like I can't even hear myself think anymore.
Spy:
Awwwww . . . don't fret 'cause of us!!!
:-)
E
It's a constant struggle for me, and I don't know why doing something I love so much should be so hard. But I don't think it's just writers. My sister can go on and on about teaching second grade -- which, believe me, is pretty boring to the listener -- and all the angst she's going through. I'm so glad she decided not to teach next year. At least I save my angst for other writers, who understand what I'm talking about.
Not you guys! I consider you guys my blogging friends, LOL. Just the general awareness of opinions and leveling and segregating and all that stuff.
That's an interesting excerpt - a bit rough and kinda raw.
The "excerpt" was, of course, from the beginning of the novel, a beginning that drew me right in. In fact the first line is one of the best I've ever read. Its repetition ("But first . . .") two paragraphs later was very effective.
Rough and raw? No way. Such opinion is an outlier.
Criticism doesn't set me off on an existential crisis. Rejection, on the other hand, takes its toll.
Hi edie:
The difference is, I think, that a teacher really impacts lives. The existential angst is about--am I helping them enough, etc. (I would think.) Writers' angst is about fake characters and our "place" in the writing world.
E
stephen:
Thank you. I appreciate that . . .
And rejection sucks. Pure and simple.
E
So . . . what sets you off on an existential crisis?
Waiting for a yay or nay from my agent. Then, if he likes it, waiting for yays or nays from editors. Then, if THEY like it...
You get the picture. Publishing is such a waiting game, and it drives me nuts sometimes.
Do you ever wonder . . . why do I do this? What's it all for?
All the time, my dear. Thanks for reminding us we're not alone.
Jude:
The waiting game . . . the waiting game . . .
E
Thanks for a wonderful time on Book Roast yesterday, Erica! It was a treat to feature your book.
Oh my god. You are in my head. lol. Mine is ALL about OMFG I just said "THAT" and now people are going to think "THIS." It's a high paranoia for me because as a yet to be published author I don't have relationships with editors and agents which let them know from a first hand perspective what I'm like as a person and how it is to work with me.
Not knowing that, if they were to stumble upon or overhear just the wrong soundbyte, I have the crippling paranoia that whether they liked my work or not they would steer clear of the "drama." But the more I think about it the more I think that's completely ridiculous because seriously if editors are only working with completely sane and drama free writers, who the hell are they working with? We're all nucking futs.
Anywho...that paranoia has always extended into the rest of my life as well. That someone will take one experience with me, one thing I said and judge me entirely as a person based upon it.
Oh, one other thing, Raw could always mean raw in the sense of "real and immediate." Like when someone says "raw emotion" it doesn't mean the emotion needs a severe edit. At least I don't think it does. :P
Hi Jason:
Thanks for having me. You guys are GREAT!
E
Zoe:
LOL! If editors did, indeed, want sane people, not books would ever get published. That said, true "psychodrama divas" aren't anyone's favorites to work with. But a soundbyte? Nope . . . can't imagine anyone caring. Even these occasional RWA blow-ups and so on--in six months, does anyone remember?
And yeah . . . when I talked about that commenter, maybe he DID mean it how I "riffed" on it here. But even that's a so-what. But the machinery of my brain . . . LOL!
E
Maybe its our need to understand? If someone has the magic to change my story for the better I WANT TO KNOW!
Maybe we spend so much time inside our own heads we want to get inside everyone else's.
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