Neurotic
In real life, I am eccentric, but not neurotic. All right, I don't like rodents, and clowns kind of freak me out. But real neuroses? Nope. I don't spend much time agonizing over life. It is what it is. When really horrid stuff happens, as it sometimes does because . . . well, that's life . . . I spend approximately one day feeling sorry for myself and move on. I feel generally happy . . . I love my children. I feel fulfilled by the volunteer work I do. I like my spiritual life. I adore my friends.
BUT . . . my writing life? Utterly neurotic. It's as if I pour ALL my angst and neuroses into my creative outlet.
You know how much I love my new Magickeepers cover? How could my words possibly do it justice? Freudian Slip? The adult book I love most of all the ones I've written? There's one weak plot point and I have ONE week to finish it? My late-YA? I'm weaving in a new character trait . . . God help me!
It's as if I have all these people in my life with all these problems, and only I can fix them. WAY too much responsibility. And these problem-ridden fictional characters . . . if I shortchange them in any way, there they are. Stuck with my words.
Yeah.
It's nuts.
But in REAL life, I'm slightly less insane.
angst
n. 1. A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.
Anyone else find their words are more angst-ridden than their lives?
BUT . . . my writing life? Utterly neurotic. It's as if I pour ALL my angst and neuroses into my creative outlet.
You know how much I love my new Magickeepers cover? How could my words possibly do it justice? Freudian Slip? The adult book I love most of all the ones I've written? There's one weak plot point and I have ONE week to finish it? My late-YA? I'm weaving in a new character trait . . . God help me!
It's as if I have all these people in my life with all these problems, and only I can fix them. WAY too much responsibility. And these problem-ridden fictional characters . . . if I shortchange them in any way, there they are. Stuck with my words.
Yeah.
It's nuts.
But in REAL life, I'm slightly less insane.
angst
n. 1. A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.
Anyone else find their words are more angst-ridden than their lives?
Labels: neuroses, weird writer things
posted by Erica Orloff at 6:51 AM
27 Comments:
It was probably the reverse for a long time--I was more angsty than my writing. Now I think I'm pretty even-keeled, but about my writing I can be pretty nutty. It may just be that with life I think things will work out, but with my writing I worry about it because I'm not convinced it'll work out okay if I don't fuss with it. A writing career, to my mind, requires a fair amount of maintenance.
mark:
Interesting. And you know, maybe because it's that in life we have some illusion of control, but publishing seems to have more out-of-control variables.
E
I'm not quite sure about that angst. I failed nanowrimo but I started a project I'm enjoying. In real life I don't believe I exhibit much neurosis, though my sister informs me I'm rather eccentric. But we'll see as it gets closer to Christmas. I get really weird about this time of year as I stress about pulling this event together.
Richmond:
It always seems like something derails my holidays. Last year, my youngest daughter ended up in the hospital with rheumatic fever. She was SOOOOO sick and still has some aftereffects of it. So . . . this year I REALLY want a nice Christmas. And I'm gettin' kind of angsty about it. ;-)
E
No. If I let myself, I can have plenty of angst in my own life. Most of it created in my own head.
Joe:
I try not to "go there." :-) But I have to say sometimes in the middle of the night in can creep up on me.
E
You probably know of Tara Brach. If I get too tied up in myself, I listen to one of her Buddhist Dharma talks on iTunes.
But in REAL life, I'm slightly less insane.
If delusion works for you, go for it!
There's only one thing left I'm paranoid about, and it's the idea my life's work will still be in shoeboxes when I die.
Joe:
Great idea! When I feel neurotic, I listen to David Sedaris, who is a MILLION times more neurotic than I am--and makes me laugh, to boot. :-)
E
Stephen:
Yes, delusion works for me nicely.
:-)
E
I'd say I have angst in both worlds, they're just different. If I were to write about my real-world issues, I probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. Instead I dream up things that have never happened to me, then dump my feelings into them. It seems to work. :)
But we love living in our delusions, Stephen. It's much more fun than living in someone else's verison of reality.
My life has problems of abundance. I'm very grateful for it and I believe in keeping it simple. Writing and my characters - I agonize over it all. I'm very good at complicating things. Maybe I need to bring my keeping it simple attitude to my writing. What a concept. Bring in something that works? La. I might faint at such an idea.
Melanie:
WOW! I think I do that too!!!
E
sarah:
If you faint, we'll catch you!
E
I got the angst when it comes to writing, but stave off the accompanying depression with plenty-o-dark chocolate...probably not the best fix, but I have to do what works, lol.
I am completely fine when actually writing, in fact, that's probably the most relaxed, true-to-my-soul thing I do. It just feels so right, and I actually feel confident about my writing.
Afterward, though, I'm a neurotic freak when I think about my writing. I'm a neurotic freak about editing, and worrying if I'm going to let down a reader (which actually doesn't bother me at all when it happens, strangely, unless I know it's my fault through carelessness or a stupid mistake or such).
Luckily, by the time I'm done, I'm so sick of it, I want it gone. I hate it and never want to see it again. This, I think, is a blessing, because otherwise, I'd be a tinkerer.
Hi Kath:
I stave off getting too down by just working on something new. But dark chocolate sounds good!
E
Hi Spy:
These are the first two books I have really wanted to hold onto. Usually, I feel ready for them to go out the door.
E
I'm pretty neurotic. And Tom has noticed, that since I've gone full throttle with the writing, and since I've gotten to tied up in minutiae like fonts, and formatting, and polishing, and designing, that I am much LESS neurotic.
Because isn't being neurotic often a sense of feeling out of control? And here I have all these little details to be a control freak over. I have things to tweak, and fix, and make work.
And while I'm still a little neurotic/anxious, this is creating a vast improvement.
My brain needs to be busy, I need to have big challenges. When I don't have those things my brain will obsess on a zillion things that just makes me crazy.
I get the pre-published blues. Hey, maybe I'll write a song about it...
I'm proud to say my characters all live tougher live than I do.
I try to keep calm in my real life. I'm more ansty about my writing. As Zoe says, that's something I do have control over, at least during the writing stage. I can make it as good as I can. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I want it to shine.
Finally my copy of The Roofer arrived, just in time for Thanksgiving.
Zoe:
My brain totally needs to be busy!
E
Jude:
Sing it with a twang.
E
Travis:
Mine too. Not a chicken in the bunch.
E
Richmond:
There is actually a Thanksgiving scene fairly early on . . . um . . . I wouldn't read it before you eat. ;-)
E
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