The Perfect Murder
This is an absolutely true story.
Years ago, when my daughter was three, I was at work and received a phone call.
"Are you trying to kill me?" came the breathless voice on the other end.
"What?"
"Have you taken a contract out on my life? Are you trying to kill me?" asked my significant other. With a voice filled with horror and panic. Like he wasn't kidding.
Now, I will admit . . . my relationships have never been particularly easy, but I thought, perhaps, a contract killing was a stretch.
"First of all, if I was going to have you killed, I wouldn't do it while my child is home." (True enough, but perhaps not the answer he was looking for.)
"But if you hired someone . . ."
"What happened?"
"I just started the garbage disposal, and it blew up and burned all the hair off my arms and face. It shot flames to the ceiling! It exploded!"
"Oh." Just "oh."
"What do you mean 'oh'?"
"I forgot to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"Last night, I was trying to light some candles in the kitchen on the windowsill, and I dropped my lighter down the garbage disposal. I was afraid to put my hand down there. I thought it would somehow chop my hand off. So I was going to tell you when you got home after work, but it was close to 2:00 a.m., and I was half-asleep, so I was going to tell you this morning. But I forgot."
"You didn't do it on purpose?"
"No. But it is the perfect murder."
I thought about it. Everyone who knows me knows that I light candles all the time. If I had dropped TWO lighters down the garbage disposal . . . I would have been a free woman. And gotten away with it. The explosion would have ripped apart my kitchen. I would be counting his life insurance money.
Thus the perfect murder. Who KNEW that lighters explode in the garbage disposal like that? And now that I have posted this on my blog, any of YOU who use this method to kill your spouse or loved one . . . will have a hard time explaining yourself to the police if the cops find out about this blog post. But think about it. You visited http://www.ericaorloff.com/. No internet searches for murder methods or staging a suicide. It would have to be a very clever cop who traces your murder method to my forgetful episode many years ago.
I admit it. I think about the perfect murder all the time. Tom in The Roofer was seen building bookshelves before his little hit. There was a reason for claw hammers and electric saws. Because that often trips up a murderer. The back story. It has to be simple. And logical. Look at the Lacey Peterson case. Did anyone REALLY believe he was out fishing that day?
So tell me . . . have any of your books contained the perfect murder? And remember, whatever you 'fess up to here . . . you can't use it in real life.
Peace,
E
Years ago, when my daughter was three, I was at work and received a phone call.
"Are you trying to kill me?" came the breathless voice on the other end.
"What?"
"Have you taken a contract out on my life? Are you trying to kill me?" asked my significant other. With a voice filled with horror and panic. Like he wasn't kidding.
Now, I will admit . . . my relationships have never been particularly easy, but I thought, perhaps, a contract killing was a stretch.
"First of all, if I was going to have you killed, I wouldn't do it while my child is home." (True enough, but perhaps not the answer he was looking for.)
"But if you hired someone . . ."
"What happened?"
"I just started the garbage disposal, and it blew up and burned all the hair off my arms and face. It shot flames to the ceiling! It exploded!"
"Oh." Just "oh."
"What do you mean 'oh'?"
"I forgot to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"Last night, I was trying to light some candles in the kitchen on the windowsill, and I dropped my lighter down the garbage disposal. I was afraid to put my hand down there. I thought it would somehow chop my hand off. So I was going to tell you when you got home after work, but it was close to 2:00 a.m., and I was half-asleep, so I was going to tell you this morning. But I forgot."
"You didn't do it on purpose?"
"No. But it is the perfect murder."
I thought about it. Everyone who knows me knows that I light candles all the time. If I had dropped TWO lighters down the garbage disposal . . . I would have been a free woman. And gotten away with it. The explosion would have ripped apart my kitchen. I would be counting his life insurance money.
Thus the perfect murder. Who KNEW that lighters explode in the garbage disposal like that? And now that I have posted this on my blog, any of YOU who use this method to kill your spouse or loved one . . . will have a hard time explaining yourself to the police if the cops find out about this blog post. But think about it. You visited http://www.ericaorloff.com/. No internet searches for murder methods or staging a suicide. It would have to be a very clever cop who traces your murder method to my forgetful episode many years ago.
I admit it. I think about the perfect murder all the time. Tom in The Roofer was seen building bookshelves before his little hit. There was a reason for claw hammers and electric saws. Because that often trips up a murderer. The back story. It has to be simple. And logical. Look at the Lacey Peterson case. Did anyone REALLY believe he was out fishing that day?
So tell me . . . have any of your books contained the perfect murder? And remember, whatever you 'fess up to here . . . you can't use it in real life.
Peace,
E
Labels: murder
posted by Erica Orloff at 9:32 AM
33 comments
